Features

Back Page: 4/15/21

An Interview with Johnson & Johnson

by griffin brammer and julia lankisch, staff writers

Interview with Johnson & Johnson, A Family Company™ by Griffin Brammer and Julia Lankisch

We managed to secure an interview with John Johnson and his baby brother Jean Jeanson of Johnson & Johnson, a Family Company™, asking them to clarify some rumors regarding recent side effects of their company’s vaccine.

NEWSWIRE: Thank you for your time here today, we—

JOHN: How did you board our jet?

NEWSWIRE: We’re here with questions for you two about your vaccine.

JOHN: Please direct all questions to me, as I head up the medical department of Johnson & Johnson, a Family Company™. My brother and business associate is strictly responsible for the production of our baby powder.

JEAN: I make-a da baby powduh! Mamma Mia!

NEWSWIRE: What can you say about the allegations against your company’s vaccine and its side effects?

JOHN: Here at Johnson & Johnson, a Family Company™, we are continuously monitoring and testing the effects of the vaccine on our consumers, and we can assure that the current side effects are very rare and only affect a small percentage of individuals.

JEAN: Badda bing badda boom, there ain’t no side effect in da baby powduh! ¡Compra mi polvo!

JOHN: We have prepared a helpful infographic to help consumers know what to look out for in the future.

NEWSWIRE: Any closing statements, Johnson or Johnson?

JEAN: 家族企业!

For more information, please see the infographic provided by Johnson & Johnson, a Family Company™, or view our follow-up story located on the front page (Page 1).


What Vaccine the Stars Think You Should Get

Aries: Pfizer – People who get pfizer pfuck.

Taurus: Johnson and Johnson – You look like the type who can take two Johnsons at once.

Gemini: Moderna – Or, if you’re a guy, you can get the version with the masculine conjugation: Moderne. Or, if you’re getting it with friends: Modernemos. 

Cancer: AstraZeneca – You are not allowed to be in the United States. 

Leo: NovaVax – A mild, kind vaccine that will leave you feeling euphoric and relaxed, perfect for playing guitar.

Virgo: COVID-19 – The way I understand it, the virus is in the vaccine, right? So why not just go right to the source? Head to the hospital, find a sick guy and just straight up start drinking his blood. 

Libra: Johnson & Johnson: You prefer your vaccine’s estimated effectiveness to look like your test scores: 66.3%

Scorpio: Chickenpox – The stars see no COVID in your future, but chickenpox at every turn. Tell your little cousin you can’t see her elementary school’s performance of Aladdin.

Sagittarius: Moderna – Should give you the ‘bi doomer girlboss’ vibe you were looking for. Avoid pfizer, it will make you give off the ‘ace anarcho-capitalist mansplainer’ vibes you’ve been trying to avoid.

Capricorn: Jannsen – Alternative name for Johnson & Johnson, so it should perfectly match with your alternative lifestyle choices. 

Aquarius: You don’t need a vaccine; not even COVID-19 wants anything to do with you people.

Pisces: Pfizer – Because you were born in Pfeberuary (or Pmarch).