U.S. & World News

Police notes: Asteria on the loose

Newswire pup Asteria Ferrell might seem harmless, but she’s bad to the bone

BY FIDO, Staff Biter

Oct. 28, 4:30 a.m. — 4Paws puppy and known criminal Asteria woke up way too early. Like, waaaaay too early. “Should be illegal,” XUPD and 4Paws liaison Kate Ferrell said, checking her puppy law handbook.

Oct. 29, 3:05 p.m. — Asteria decided she didn’t want to walk anymore and made her owner carry her like a bad dog. Officer Ferrell investigated and Asteria was fined two treats.

Oct. 30, 2 p.m. — Asteria was just too floppy. It was so cute. “Being that cute should be a crime,” a frustrated Officer Ferrell said to Newswire. “But she just keeps getting away with it.”

Oct. 30, 7:50 p.m. — Asteria got scared to go on the elevator, prompting Officer Ferrell to make a welfare check. During this welfare check, Ferrell rubbed Asteria’s tummy until she was ready to be brave. No charges were put forward.

Oct. 31, 9:30 p.m. — Criminal mastermind Asteria attempted to disguise herself as a very cute little butterfly in order to go on the lam, which in criminal dog lingo is just called “on the pup.”

Nov. 1, 9 a.m. — Presumably still irritated by her foiled escape plan, Asteria knocked over a bowl of puppy chow in the kitchen. Officer Ferrell charged her with two counts
of “oopsie daisies” and one count of “I forgive you, you’re just too cute.”

Nov. 1, 1:45 p.m. — Asteria met with her puppy parole officer, Alex Budzynski. After posing nicely for some photos, Budzynski noted that it was an excellent demonstration
of criminal rehabilitation. “It’s nice to see some puppies breaking out of that school-to-kennel pipeline,” he said of the pup’s good behavior.

Nov. 2, 4:35 p.m. — Asteria snuggled up under the Christmas tree, plotting how she would steal Officer Ferrell and her roommates’ presents in a Jim Carrey-style Grinch
ploy.

Nov. 3, 2 p.m. — XUPD correspondent Ferrell performed a medical transport on Asteria after the wild pup ran too quickly in the kitchen and smushed her face into the cabinet. Ferrell transported Asteria from the kitchen floor (the scene of the accidental
head-bonking) to the couch, where the dog was treated with belly pets and scratched
behind her ears.

Nov. 4, 2 p.m. — Asteria was charged with one count of reckless grade endangerment after repeatedly throwing her toy down the stairs and forcing Officer Ferrell to leave her important Zoom call to retrieve the toy.

Nov. 5, 10:30 p.m. — After falling asleep and doing that cute dog thing where she moves her legs like she’s dreaming about running, Asteria was arrested and charged with grand theft by Officer Ferrell. “She stole our hearts,” victim Heather Gast told Newswire, who will be pressing charges against the guilty puppy to the fullest extent of the law.

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