“The weirdest, wackiest and wildest news of the week!”
A Florida man did something ridiculous, which was probably illegal. The charge is something like “bird larceny” or “food vandalism.” Do the details matter that much? I’m pretty sure y’all would laugh at anything (Every day, every minute, every second. You should know that by now; he’s in every single “Lighter Side”).
A Louisiana police officer was attacked by some funny animal. I don’t know why, but you guys always love the cop versus farm animal stories. Something about the “Lighter Side” patronage is mysteriously linked to ACAB. I love it (Oct. 29).
Baby Yoda! Isn’t he cute? Listen, I know this is a weird picture of him, but you try finding free and unlicensed photos of Baby Yoda in the Creative Commons. It’s hard (Nov. 2).
The Hot Pockets corporation announced that they would be making a new Hot Pocket flavor. The flavor will literally be called, “Scrap Metal,” and they guarantee that you will die if you eat one. A Florida man has already written in from jail to say that he’s excited to try it (Nov. 2).
An election happened and it sucked. Nothing light about that, so I’m just going to phone these last few entries in. Is that cool with you guys? Just kidding, I call the shots here (Nov. 3).
Friday is National “Pick On Aidan Callahan” Day. He’s always doing it to all the other editors with those horoscopes, so why don’t why turn the tables for once? I know that this is only the second-funniest part of the paper, but it still deserves the same rights. Go find him somewhere and say something playfully mean about one of his characteristics (Nov. 4).
Griffin Brammer is missing a door. Seriously. It’s in Kuhlman Hall, or at least it used to be. If you find it, call Griffin. I don’t know his number, but you can probably find it. But really, keep an eye out if you can (Nov. 4).
Florida man Dale Hyde played freeform jazz in Gallagher late Wednesday night. Sorry that this is boring, but they can’t all be winners (Nov. 4).
Can everyone just stop expecting me to have so many of these? There’s only so many Florida men doing dumb stuff, and I’m really running out of material (Nov. 5).