By Brammer The Hammer, Avian Enthusiast
There is little more that gets America’s blood pumping like the adrenaline-fueled action of sports.
Dare I say it, the only thing that gets me up in the morning is the prospect of crackin’ a cold one open and shoveling Buffalo Wild Wings down my gullet while watching good ol’ American sports.
However, with all the much-beloved sports article prose out of the way, I must admit that I do not understand one singular thing about any professional sport.
Baseball, football, hockey… not one clue how any of it works. If someone put a gun to my head and said “explain how basketball works,” I still tell my mother I love her.
With that being said, I am writing for the sports page so I threw a dart at a board to determine which physical activity I’d be writing about, and it landed on football.
As someone who recently learned that a touchdown was worth six whole points, I mostly pick which sports teams to stan based on uniqueness of mascot.
On that note, I’m a Ravens fan because birds are dope, and they’re named after affluent gothic poet and Baltimore native Edgar Allen Poe.
That being said, I am proud to announce that the Ravens have won their first Super Bowl (in 2001)!
According to the Wikipedia article on Super Bowl XXXV (which I think is 35, but who do I look like, Julius Caesar?), the Ravens came in posting a 12-4 regular season record, which I think is good considering that’s basically a 3:1 ratio.
I couldn’t find anything in the article about the New York Giants records, but spoiler alert, considering the Ravens whooped the Giant’s butts with a 34-7 score, I can’t imagine it was that impressive.
The first quarter began with both defenses doing a pretty solid job and all five possessions ending in punts. Raven’s punter Jermaine Lewis kicked that ball all the way to the Giant’s 22 yard line.
Some kind of “holding penalty” broke out, and the ball got moved a whole 19 yards back to the 41 yard line. This wasn’t a problem for my Ravens’ quarterback Trent Dilfer, who made a whole 38 yard touchdown pass to the Ravens wide receiver, scoring for the Baltimore team.
Dare I say that he puts the ‘DILF’ in Dilfer.
Anyway, I can’t lie: I’m really tired and don’t feel like reading the synopsis for the rest of the three quarters… but, hey, this is the 2001 Super Bowl we’re talking about just look it up if you’re genuinely interested. I’m sure ESPN wrote a much better play by play than an 18 year old theater kid ever could.
However, I’ll try my best to sum it up for all my faithful football fans. Both teams threw the ball a lot, sometimes they caught it, sometimes they didn’t.
Then after a bunch of arbitrary and confusing rules, freaking NSYNC, BRITNEY SPEARS and AEROSMITH played a halftime show. I mean, come on guys… that makes the entirety of this ‘football’ thing worth it.
Anyway, after the REAL important show ended, both teams threw the ball more. Touchdowns were made, kicks were… kicked… However, the Ravens did it all better and won because of it. Like, 34-7? Did the Giants even try? Really?
In the end, it just goes to show that a dope scavenger bird is no match to any human, no matter how ‘giant’ they might be. But hey, you know what they say… the bigger they are, the harder they fall.