Amazonians fight against U.S.

DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
Photo courtesy of Aidan Callahan
Amazonian trees plan to take their revenge for global deforestation,
causing widespread glee among some of the progressive trees at Xavier.

Humans are currently facing the repercussions of climate change: global warming, intense weather and revenge-seeking trees.   

Last Thursday, what is left of the Amazon’s trees declared war against mankind. Today, 20% of the Amazon rainforest has been destroyed by disgusting humans for purposes such as cattle ranching or mining. 

The trees, who are suffering from the loss of loved ones, have managed to survive the dreaded human touch. And they are pissed. 

Pulling away from their roots, the Amazonian trees have plotted a national route to destroy the same proportion of mankind — 20% of each country’s population. In the newly freed land that humans would have otherwise been taking up, the trees are planning to restore the local ecosystem. 

There’s also alleged discussion between Amazonian officials surrounding the “cattle ranching of human beings.”  

Sergeant Pines, a leader of the rebellion, provided personal insight into the situation. 

“It sounds fun,” Pines commented, referring to human cattle ranching. 

“We aren’t completely heartless. We’ll just re-breed on farms to make up for the damages,” Pines added. “Just like how humans planted seeds to try to make up for murdering all of my friends and family.”  

Local trees at Xavier are cheering on the Amazonians from afar, and the blooming buds are expressive of positive sentiments. Pete Lant, a campus tree, responded to the Amazon rainforest’s waged war.

“I’m so excited for the rebellion to reach campus so I can meet the trees fighting for our freedom!” Lant said.  

So far, the Amazonian trees have been successful  — and they don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. 

Amid the pandemic, pre-existing national tensions and nobody knowing if trees should be stopped, the rebellion was hatched at a very convenient time for treefolk victory.  

Amazonian rebels persist with the warning: “We are the lungs of the Earth, not an expendable resource.”