By Gracetopher Marlowe, Real Author of the First Folio
DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
In the most shocking U.S. geography news since the 2008 birther movement, President Joe Biden proposed a new policy that lets any American citizen submit a TikTok video recommending a new location for the federal capital.
Americans who want to pitch an idea are told to make a TikTok video and post it under the hashtag #newUScapital.
95-year-old Sally Cornfield was one of these TikTokers determined to find a new capital for the U.S.
Cornfield proposed the idea of making the national capital Lebanon, Kan., which is roughly the center of the United States.
Though many thought it was a brilliant idea at first, the House of Representatives shot it down quickly, stating that Kansas was an irrelevant state.
Cornfield was discouraged but did not give up.
“I thought that Lebanon would have been the perfect city. I was utterly destroyed when they insulted my home state, Kansas,” Confield said.
On a road trip with her granddaughter, Forest G. Garden, Cornfield found herself out of gas in an empty city.
Garden whipped out her phone, checked SnapMaps and quickly discovered that they were stranded in a desolate , wheat-filled place called Nameless, Tenn.
“Looking around, we were just surrounded by endless wheat fields and a sense of overwhelming existential dread,” Cornfield told Newswire.
“I realized that this, not Kansas, was officially the most irrelevant place in the entire continental U.S.,” Cornfield said.
After she posted the video to TikTok with the necessary hashtag, Congress recognized the sick burn and Biden declared Nameless the new capital of the U.S.
The city got its name after the United States Post Office said that they wouldn’t deliver mail if they did not name the town. No one could agree on a town name, so they left it nameless.
The White House is going to stay in DC, but per Jill Biden’s request, there will be a secondary Wheat House in the new capital of Nameless, Tenn.
