“One for paw, paw for one,” the doggy dark-horse’s campaign slogan reads
BY MAJOR B. IDEN Professional Political Puppy
DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
For the first time in recent memory, the Newswire Editorial Board — or at least the members who matter — is endorsing a candidate for Cincinnati’s upcoming mayoral primary. The board, comprised of A&E Editor Kate Ferrell and World News Editor Mo Juenger, has elected to endorse little-known canine candidate Asteria Marie Ferrell.
Asteria is running as a moderate, prioritizing anti-corruption laws, fiscal security and conservative social paw-licies.
She has promised a cat travel ban, not permitting any external felines to enter the city during her tenure.
“Cats come to Cincinnati from these sh*thole litterboxes and demand love from our city’s righteous pet owners,” Asteria said during a Tuesday speech. “We should be giving our love to dogs, and their presence in our town is a threat to all Queen City pups.”
In the same speech, Asteria toyed with the idea of legalizing recreational marijuana for humans in the city. The policy came with a severe caveat, however, which could affect the city’s kitties.
“Let’s be honest: smoking weed isn’t a crime,” Asteria yipped.
“The real problem with our great town is already legal, and it’s right beneath our eyeline — catnip,” she added.
Detailing her plan to ban catnip in Cincinnati, which Asteria’s campaign team has titled the “Stop and Friskies” policy, the candidate refused to answer questions regarding the possible species profiling of cats.
Afterwards, she took a short nap.
“That’s another thing,”
she yawned while waking up next to her podium. “What’s with calling it a ‘cat’ nap? That’s species profiling.”
Asteria has proposed more progressive policies, though they have mostly been communicated from her cam-pug-n team.
Campaign ads have shared that Asteria plans to “take a bite out of crime,” putting her at odds with other local lawmakers.
Her team has issued several formal announcements noting that Asteria supports Medicare for Paw on a federal level.
As a service dog in training (SDiT), she also promises more accessibility in all city buildings in order to be more accomodating for those who struggle with disabilities.
Asteria also stands for equal rights for SDiTs. For too long universities have changed the existing Ohio laws to fit the agenda of their schools, specifically the ban of SDiTs in on-campus dining spaces.
“This is a clear violation of the rights of SDITs,” Asteria said. “And I will not stand for it.”
Though the doggy’s support is now through the “woof,” the campaign has been a true wags-to-riches story. A tail of political disinformation and “ruff” competition, Asteria made it through the trouble and is quickly coming out on top.
To push her campaign forward, the puppy politician will soon be hosting a heartworm vaccination clinic at Xavier’s Cintas Center. She will also be offering free flea collars to anyone who assists her campaign via phone bank.
“Collar up to help!” a statement from her campaign said.
Celebrity endorsers of the pup include Jack Russell Crowe and Snoop Dogg.
We here at Newswire have one message: steer Cincinnati in the right direction with Asteria as Mayor!
Categories: U.S. & World News