FATTACA, moonshine, RIP Bigfoot and, of course, Florida Man

DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.

After the Nairobi governor announced the city would provide residents with a bottle of Hennessy in their 2020 COVID-19 relief packages, Cincinnati Mayor John Cranley added that they will be introducing a final, city-wide relief package this April. The relief package will consist of five blunt wraps and a jug of make-you-blind moonshine (March 23).

The famous, Newswire-endorsed Fat Bear Competition has been put on hold as scientists experiment with new ursine gene-altering technology to make bears even fatter. Researchers are calling the effort “FATTACA” (March 24). 

New York has updated guidelines their for safe sex during the pandemic. No sex. None at all. Whatsoever. Not after Cuomo (March 25).

Xavier administrators have safely returned from a trip to the southern border, where they pointed at things with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) (March 25).

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro, who was bitten by an emu this summer, was caught half-naked, covered in feathers with his head burrowed into the sand. Bolsonaro, who was found half-past midnight during a full moon claims he doesn’t remember how he got there at all (March 26).

Xavier announced a new promotional tuition deal; if you get pregnant in a dorm room, your future child will get half off tuition. If it was a threesome, tuition will be totally free (March 27). 

Mimicking Taco Bell’s Jalapeno Noir and chalupa wine pairing, Burger 513 announced they too will begin offering drink pairings. With their chicken tenders, they recommend a $13 warm, half-finished Naturday Lite served in a red solo cup (March 28).

After the Ever Given ship was unstuck from the Suez Canal, the UN and Swiss government convened to determine a course of action. In a meeting dubbed “Geneva Convention Two: Electric Boogaloo,” the groups have decided to outlaw all boats internanationally (March 29). 

Lawmakers in Oklahoma are out several million dollars after they instituted a bounty on Bigfoot weeks ago. Doctors confirmed that Bigfoot died in a Las Vegas hotel room closet with a copy of Hustler at his feet. His family asks that, in lieu of flowers, mourners donate to the estate of Larry Flynt (March 30).

Florida Man was arrested after he plowed through Biden campaign signs on a riding mower with an alligator and his toddler in the backseat (March 31