Campus News

Kremlin agents hack SGA election

Senators’ personal information released, BART investigation is underway

BY JOESPH POLYESTER, Not who you think
DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
Newswire photo by Desmond Fischer
Even though Russian agents have compromised the integrity of the SGA electoral process, the reaction from
the student body ranges from complete indifference to “Wait, we have a Student Government Association?!?”

Russian hackers have infiltrated the Student Government Association (SGA) and fiddled with their email ballots and doxxed some SGA representatives’ private information in an attempt to sway the election.

Hundreds of thousands of false email ballots have been traced to an IP address in rural Siberia. Suspicion regarding voting fraud and tampering was first aroused when it was discovered that the election had an over 20,000% increase in votes — an extra 1,592 votes compared to the council’s usual eight submitted ballots.

In addition to the falsified ballots, certain leaks about SGA officials’ personal lives were also outed. Investigators believe this is an additional attempt to sway public opinion from the few people who actually pay attention to SGA news. Leaked security footage of Dana Garden’s showed an SGA member projectile-vomiting on several unsuspecting patrons. Another leak showed an unconfirmed SGA advisor followed popular Xavier instagram account @XUVirgins on a burner account, despite publicly bashing the account’s media coverage for being “boring” and “useless”.

Since the president of SGA is not widely-known, and SGA as a whole has blacklisted Newswire, we selected a random person off the street, as it was assumed there was as likely a chance of them being the SGA president as anyone else.

“Uh, yeah, sounds like that sucks,” the presumed president of SGA said. “I mean, love is love, so for someone to tamper with the Straight Gay Alliance Club, I don’t know, I think it’s really uncool.” 

An official police report was filed with the university and Norwood police departments, with hopes of eventual FBI involvement, but after further clarification, the investigation was dropped.

, “Once we realized [the cyber-attacks] weren’t being committed against a Straight Gay Alliance club, we lost interest,” an officer involved with part of the investigation, who wished to remain anonymous, clarified.  

After officers were assured there was no instance of discrimination on campus, they dismissed any allegations of foul play or cyberterrorism.  

“Discrimination is a big issue, so we don’t have time to waste on some made-up fantasy club’s problems,” the officer said in an official statement delivered early yesterday.

It is still unclear why the Russian hacker group decided to interfere with SGA elections, but it is reported that the incident has given the organization more publicity than any decision it made in the last 20 years.

Amid the onslaught of forged ballots and libelous leaked documents was a single email left as a signature from the Russian group responsible for the attack.

The email, though believed to be heavily encrypted by SGA, was actually just written in Russian. The email stated, “We have grown tired of D.C. and so have decided to focus our sights on Cincinnati instead. May our messages persuade you little college government ants to finally do your job. Think of it like your American show ‘Queer Eye,’ but rather, ‘Russian Eye’, yes? Do svidaniya!”

Though nothing is currently set in stone, a fourth unexpected position not in the SGA constitution is expected to be added: head of international cybersecurity affairs.  When asked about the position, the president simply said, “Please stop talking to me, I have to go to class.”

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