BY X. BENEDICT, staff writer
DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
A celebrity came to Xavier? I feel like I would have heard about this
earlier. Oh, this must be a satire issue. I won’t take this joke too seriously
After gathering student feedback about Hoff Dining Commons, Connex has teamed up with the Food Network to provide Xavier students with better dining options.
Feeding over 5,000 students on average each day is no easy task, and Connex has recognized that the food options at Hoff Dining Commons have been less than stellar over the course of the pandemic. Based on feedback from a focus group conducted in February, students expressed their dissatisfaction with the Caf’s current options
As it is always Xavier’s priority to care for their students, Connex reached out to the Food Network to see if a partnership would be possible. After months of deliberation, the culinary collaboration of the century is set to debut in the Caf for the 2021-22 school year.
Gordon Ramsey will be preparing the Main Line for the Musketeers. With meals from his famous London-based restaurants, Xavier students are sure to be thrilled with classic French favorites, such as Ramsey’s beef wellington. As a side note, Chef Ramsey will not tolerate “idiot sandwiches” and no substitutions or condiments will be allowed.
Guy Fieri will be bringing students to FlavorTown by managing the grill line next semester. Students can expect dishes inspired by all 50 states as Fieri draws inspiration from his hit television show “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.”
If you are hungry for a sandwich, look no further than Rachel Ray’s Deli, where she will be bringing delicious “sammies” to the Xavier community. She will also be partnering with 4 Paws for Ability to provide her Rachel Ray Nutrish® Dog Food line to the campus’ furry friends. Don’t worry, Ray has assured Newswire that both cuisines will be prepared in separate kitchens to reduce the risk of cross contamination.
Just a few steps over from the deli, you will find Wolfgang Puck’s Pizza Palace. Known for his outrageous artisanal pizza toppings, Xavier students can expect a five-star pizza experience like no other. Inspired by his restaurant Spago, Puck has committed to expanding Xavier’s culinary horizons with toppings such as Kaluga caviar, veal tartare and Scottish salmon.
Don’t forget to save room for dessert! Serving pastry perfection at Father B’s Bakery is the dopest new delicious duo:Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg. While this unlikely pair may seem to be polar opposites, they are determined to bring harmonious confectionaries to the Caf. Menu highlights include favorites from Dogg’s Cookbook, “From Crook to Cook,” from which Stewart has also drawn inspiration while planning for the role.
This historic integration is only one of the changes that will be bestowed upon Hoff Dining Commons. To subsidize the cost of ingredients, Xavier has agreed to allow the Food Network to record an exclusive television show documenting the impact of gourmet food on college students.
Streaming exclusively on Discovery+, this show will feature the interactions between Xavier students and the celebrity chefs each day. In standard reality show format, there will be confessionals from students and staff as well as colorful diction and language courtesy of Chef Ramsey.
Xavier is having open casting calls for the “main students” on the show, but all Xavier students will be required to sign video consent waivers upon arrival on campus for the 2021-22 year. Any questions can be answered by sending an email to celebritycusine@xavier.edu.
You must be logged in to post a comment.