BY JORDAN BElfort, staff writer

DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true eventS.

In a groundbreaking collaboration with TriHealth, Xavier has promised to move to fully-computerized, wrist-implanted All Card chips for the 2021-22 school year.

Students will be required to have an X- shaped personal computer chip  surgically implanted to their wrist.. “XCom” will hold each student’s room key, meal swipe count, dining dollars and X Cash.

The technology has been developed over the past few years in Area 51, and rumors of the chip’s existence came into popular media outlets after a single Xavier alum was able to infiltrate the elusive base in September 2019 during the “Storm Area 51” event. The technology is from the same experimental research family as the identification and tracking factors found in the COVID-19 vaccine. 

Now in conjunction with the university, TriHealth has organized a mass distribution day during which the entire student population will receive XCom.  Any student found evading the requirement will be required to enroll in a special GOA section held at 7 a.m. every Monday morning on the 11^th floor of Schott Hall for the entire 16-week fall semester.

“It’s a really great way for us to keep track of each student’s vaccination and health records and make the on-campus experiment… I mean experience… more enjoyable,” a mysterious figure head, whose face is blurred out and voice scrambled, said.

One of the largest concerns about XCom is its potential tracking capabilities. A spokesperson stated that they “can ensure that the computer technology, while highly advanced, does not have capabilities to track student whereabouts.” Students, however, think differently. 

“I just don’t want the university to know that I have been breaking into Father Graham’s appartement to uhmmmm…use his toilet,” a student,, who wished to remain anonymous, said.

The university stated that the chip causes little to no side effects. However, students who have already received the chip noticed that their behavior has been severely affected. Preliminary clinical trial participants — select students who had to quarantine at the Hilton — have noticed behavioral shifts in their post-quarantine activities, including, but not limited to: the overwhelming urge to attend every Student Activities Council event, unexplained interest in running for SGA Senate and being almost magnetically attracted to the Gallagher Student Center’s clock tower when it chimes.

Students should not be worried about the chip implantation leading to widespread brainwashing attempts. The university stated that they have not brainwashed a single trial participant. Not even one! 

In an attempt to curb any scary thoughts the initiative may spark, Xcom has games. They aren’t really games — more like very preliminary, basic applications. The Holo-Father-Graham, a hologram of our university president, is programmed to pop out of your wrist and yell, “Go X!” right in the middle of that Respondus Lockdown Browser test. XCom application also includes a minimal version of Canvas that sends you pointless notifications ten times a minute and a beta music platform called X-xylophone, which only plays a creepy-beepy version of “X Gon Give it to Ya” by DMX.  

While student opinions vary on the initiative,  the university encourages students to look at the positive side: you will never be locked out of your room.

Avery Strychasz (who the f*ck has a name like this), a student who recently had to tear her entire dorm room apart in search of her All Card, stated, “I’m all for one, and one for XCom.”