BY IAN HAWKE, Talent Manager

DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.

SAC President Patrick Star announced Tuesday afternoon that Alvin and the Chipmunks would be headlining this year’s festival with special guests, the Chipettes. 

Xavier’s Student Activities Council (SAC) has worked long and hard to schedule a new artist for this year’s Xavier Fest and students have been anxiously waiting for this exciting announcement. ‘

The festival typically takes place towards the end of the semester right before the optional final exams. Who cares about school anyway? 

This year, the festival is taking place on April 31 and students are beyond excited. 

“I missed out on Xavier Fest last year, so I am so excited to finally be able to experience it,” sophomore hummingbird studies major Anna Banana stated. 

However, the university has established several COVID-19 restrictions for this year’s festival. Limited tickets will be available, which is why Xavier has decided to mandate all first-years and sophomores living in Kuhlman or Husman halls to watch the show from their dorm windows. 

All other students will be given a single ticket for the show. However, there are many steps that must be followed prior to receiving a ticket. 

All students hoping to attend the festival have to take a mandatory, four-hour-long COVID-19 safety training course before April 31.

Additionally, all students in attendance are required to wear hazmat suits, requested by the Chipmunks. 

“Chipmunks are at high risk for catching COVID-19, so it is important that the crowd is wearing hazmat suits to keep us safe.” 

Who would’ve known that these little critters could catch the virus? 

Xavier Fest is the largest gathering Xavier has planned in over a year, so it is important that all students take all  necessary precautions. 

Alvin emphasized the importance of following these policies.

“Theodore was in the ICU for months in Los Angeles. Those influencers don’t even think twice about COVID-19! I am hoping that all Xavier students follow the policies,” he said. 

Due to the popularity of the Chipmunks, SAC is charging students $200 per ticket in order to cover the hefty booking fee for the group. 

Tickets can only be purchased from midnight to 2 a.m. on Tuesday nights. In order to be eligible, you must do the chicken dance and the stanky leg on the Husman stage. 

Socially-distanced meet- and-greet upgrades are also available for a limited number of qualified students. 

Students currently on residence life probation will have priority for meet-and-greet tickets. After that, all students living in Brockman Hall will have priority to make up for their poor living conditions.

The Chipmunks and the Chipettes are beyond excited for their first performances since last March.

Alvin took his excitement to social media by tweeting, “@xu_squirrels_, you’ve got some competition. The chipmunks are coming to town!” 

Xavier, get ready for the craziest festival of the year.