How to look your best when you’re at your worst

By: Chiv N. Mei, Escaped Convict
DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
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As the fashion world continues to update its trends and fads, it’s important to know what you should be wearing when you’re about to get arrested. Here are a few tips and tricks for picking just the right outfit to be handcuffed in. 

We’ve all thought about getting arrested. For what crime, who knows? What you do when the police come to take you away is something that will go down in history, and it all starts with what you’re wearing. 

The outfit needs to scream “casual but hot” with a mixture of bad bitch energy. The outfit has to consist of two major elements that compliment each other and, most importantly, make you look hot. 

The first element is called the “relaxer,” which is the piece of clothing that sends the message that you’re not trying too hard. If people know you’re trying too hard with your outfit for jail, that’s more embarrassing than wearing something ugly. 

The relaxer could be some joggers or an oversized hoodie to tone down the outfit. 

The second element is called the “accentuator,” which highlights the best part of your body to pull together the hot aspect. This piece is either a crop top or some tighter leggings to really highlight the big butt or small waist when people see your “going to jail check” photos. 

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When Khloe Kardashian was about to go to jail, she had the perfect outfit on. She was wearing a casual legging and jacket combination, but the jacket showed off just enough cleavage and tightness to really scream “hot” to the paparazzi.

The cropped leggings were not the best move, but with the converse, she was ready to be arrested in a fashionable way. 

The biggest red flag when getting arrested is wearing green or orange. Neither color will ever be hot enough for the back of a police car. 

If you’re getting arrested, you’re gonna have to wear orange for a long time anyway, so there’s no need to start wearing that disgusting color earlier than you have to. Green doesn’t even deserve an explanation. Just, no. 

The final red flag isn’t necessarily clothing, but it needs to be said. Absolutely no spray tans. 

The mugshot lighting will immediately do you dirty, and the fake tanner will be the only thing any person will tweet about for the next week. We all saw Lindsay Lohan’s mugshots with fake tanner, which was just sadder than her actually going to jail. 

I’m not saying you should commit a crime and get arrested. 

But if you do, hopefully this article will help you pass the jail vibe check.