By: Estie Swift, staff writer
DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
Pop music legends Taylor Swift and Harry Styles were arrested for vehicular manslaughter on March 27. After an eight-year cover-up, the despicable acts of this criminal duo have finally come to light.
Swift and Styles dated for approximately three months from the end of 2012 to the beginning of 2013. During their short-lived relationship, the two accidentally killed an unidentified man with Styles behind the wheel.
Though the victim remains unidentified, the details of the crime are actually very well-known. With the help of highly perceptive fans, investigators have pieced together the happenings of the seemingly-cold case by analyzing Swift’s and Styles’ song lyrics.
Shockingly, the artistic ex-lovers have been writing songs about each other and the crime for years. Though it is typical of music artists to write songs based on personal experiences or past relationships, no crime has ever been uncovered through the analysis of song lyrics — until now.
Swift is known for her proclivity of writing songs about her failed love affairs, but fans noted a distinct difference in her songs about Styles. Several songs on her 2014 album, entitled 1989, have been identified as being about Styles, but the most striking of them all is “Out Of The Woods.”
Swift uses the lyrics, “Remember when you hit the brakes too soon? 20 stitches in a hospital room.” The mention of stitches goes to show that the two of them were in an automobile accident that resulted in injury for Styles.
A line from “Style” — clearly named after the singer himself — explains that Styles drove to pick up Swift in the middle of the night without his headlights on, which speaks to Styles’ poor driving abilities.
Things were taken to the next level when both singer-songwriters began to speak of paranoia and traumatic experiences in their songs.
Swift asks if the two of them are “out of the woods,” meaning they no longer have to worry about getting caught, while Styles admits to breaking down to pray because everything changed for him since the accident in New York.
Though the analysis of these lyrics alone seems like a shaky foundation for a case, authorities did not move to press charges until the recent release of Swift’s song “No Body, No Crime.” On her most recent album, Evermore, this song is a narrative mirage meant to conceal Swift’s admission of guilt.
Given their celebrity status, the two were able to shake any accusations based on their previous lyrics, but “No Body, No Crime” provided all the ammunition authorities needed to indict these famous felons.
Under the advice of legal counsel, both Swift and Styles have remained tight-lipped on the issue and have made no comments to the media about the allegations levied against them.
Both are set to stand trial next month, but with clear connections in their music to the mischief, it’s looking like the vehicular manslaughter charges may just stick for Styles and Swift.
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