By: Jenna Zee, staff writer
DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
In a new study published by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), researchers found five shocking items that could reportedly “kill Prince Philip on the spot.”
Prince Philip, former member of the Nazi party has reached an age where many begin to question his life expectancy.
As society has taken note of how he has become increasingly purple over time, the CDC felt it would be imperative to note exactly what might take him out.
A singular lemon
Sour Patch Kid
Buckingham Palace officials have repeatedly mentioned that His Royal Highness is limited to a strict diet of children’s souls and the organs of former monarchs.
A lemon Sour Patch Kid, containing too much sugar as well as being deemed too “spicy” by certain taste-testers, has forced scientists to alert the Prince that his cheat days are limited to every other flavor of Sour Patch Kids.
Any of Rihanna’s
Rihanna, a popular R&B artist from Barbados, explicitly dances and sings in her music videos. Either one of these could cause Prince Philip to be blinded, deafened or a combination of the two, ultimately leading to his death.
The composition of lights, dance moves and inappropriate lyrical connotations is a deadly combination for His Royal Highness.
piece composed by Newswire writers
The Newswire staff wrote an excellent piece in response to the recent actions of a far-right extremist group on campus, one with similar views to a group to which Philip used to belong.
If her read this piece, Philip would very likely have a heart attack due to his inability to not identify with far-right propaganda. Tough.
The Black Eyed Peas
Yes, that is correct. The American musical group, which formed in 1995 and gave Fergie her start, is far too powerful for Prince Philip’s ears. It could be their hit “Pump it,” “I Gotta Feeling”, or maybe even “Boom Boom Pow” could be cause for his demise.
According to scientists, the beat and the genre of this music could cause His Royal Highness to immediately descend into anaphylactic shock or even a coma.
Yeah… this one is self-explanatory. Could it be the dances? The music with heavy beats, bass drops and cursing? Is it the scantily-clad youth?
“It is believed any one of the extreme factors could cause the Prince to cease existing almost immediately,” the CDC said in response to the above findings.
So, for any Prince Philip haters who hope to take out the ol’ purple grape, you now have five tools at your disposal!