DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.

As a beautiful person, I find it very important to be beautiful. I understand that it may be difficult for most of Xavier’s population. Natural beauty is hard to find, and not everyone can look as good as I do. I’m the epitome of “Black don’t crack.” My understanding and pursuit of sympathy stem from encountering quite unpleasant beings daily.

For ordinary people, unlike me, maintaining good looks requires much work. In my opinion, the unattractive could seriously benefit from trying to appear prettier. After all, ugly people scare babies, hurt my eyes and are overall not beneficial for society’s flourishing.

Most say that personality trumps appearance. That’s not true. Whoever says those kinds of things is a liar trying to make ugly people feel happy. Appearance is the key to confidence, a happy life and not dying alone. So, that’s why I think focusing on posture is crucial. A straight back and attentive aura are appealing.

Speaking of straight backs, if someone has scoliosis, that’s just an excuse for being ugly, and you need to slap some sense into them. Preferably hit the spot where their spine “curves.” Those who don’t make made-up medical excuses should correct posture by walking, exercising, sleeping and doing all things straightly. Yes, that includes straightening one’s sexuality until achieving perfection.

Skin care is also a significant part of the journey towards true beauty. Once someone hits 30, they instantly become a wrinkly hag. Skincare can help extend attractiveness longer, though probably not past 40 years old. Drinking products with SPF helps reduce premature wrinkling. Skin cancer is also a side effect of ignoring sun protection, but who cares about cancer — the sick, pale look is totally in right now.

However, wrinkling is more than crow’s feet or smile lines. On the inside, our brains and intestines are wrinkly. Well, mine aren’t, but a majority of the population have neglected drinking SPF to avoid sun damage occurring on the inside of their body and externally. Smooth brains and intestines will become a hit in the next decade. No one wants wrinkles. They’re gross!

Of course, we can’t forget confidence. Confidence never fails to be compelling because it creates a comfortable, relaxed environment around the most confident person. That is why ugly people should fake being confident. Don’t have mental issues or personal issues. Problems aren’t cute and could give you wrinkles or stress-induced white hair. Faking confidence is the next best thing because anyone who isn’t drop-dead gorgeous isn’t looking at the mirror in admiration of themselves.

Investing in the most expensive products is ultimately the number one path on the journey to perfection. Expensive products correlate with quality products no matter the context. That’s why people in poverty are usually less attractive; they spend less money or go to lower-income hospitals for births, so their babies come out uglier.

Look at our capitalist country for references regarding humans’ innate nature of love for money, whatever form they may use that money in — the investment of more money ties to my final point. If none of the above seems to mend your shattered mirror of ugly, you can always buy your beauty.

Poverty? Get out of it. Mental issues? Buy more things to forget about them. Naturally plain or downright repulsive? Plastic surgery. Where solutions such as posture, skincare or confidence aren’t enough to fix someone, there is money to cover up the worst parts of oneself — not that I could ever relate or begin to conceive the life of anyone less than gorgeous.