Safety is the first and most important priority. It’s not about anything else.

By Whisky Business, Groupthink Editor

DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

University administration has announced a plan to construct a moat and wall around campus in response to an incident.

In a letter to students, Vice President of Environmental Barriers Ivanna Waldem and Chief Student Entrenchment Officer Sean V. Spade explained their decision as one of last resort.

“We tried to play nice. We did what our mommies always taught us and used our words,” the letter read. “When our words failed we took the next logical step. we were forced to consider more drastic options.”

Waldem and Spade’s letter noted that student pressure forced the administration to act. “We would have been completely content with continuing our Catholic policy of turning the other cheek, but our passionate students mobilized and let us know that we must stop these incidents,” they said. The administration instructed Physical Plant to dig a moat that is seven feet deep and seven feet wide. Whiletheplansdonotcallfor themoattobefilledinwith water intentionally, there is a proposal to harness runoff.

“Since 64% of all flat surfaces on our campus are used for parking and covered in asphalt or concrete, a significant amount of acidic runoff accumulates. By diverting this runoff into our moat, we can create a poisoning effect that triples its diversionary potential,” the report read.

The plan also calls for a wall to be constructed before and after the moat, both to further complicate attempts togainentrytocampusand to limit the potential for innocent wildlife to fall into the toxic moat. The wall is to be constructed out of cobblestone, and plans call for it to be five feet high and one foot wide, running around the entirety of campus. Waldem and Spade have indicated they anticipate complaints about the policy.

“As we noted in our previous letter, we believe a wall is the only effective way to truly prevent this, and thus we will not tolerate any pushback to our decision,” they said.

A town hall for students to demonstrate their support of the moat/wall initiative has been scheduled for April 12 at 3 p.m.