Back Satire Page 4/5/23

Aries: You are competitive. Embrace it. Get on top and stay on top. Doesn’t matter who you stomp on in the process. 

Taurus: You deserve to relax. Tauruses thrive on self-care. Buy that $40 hydration mask, skip all your classes and put you first. Say it with me. I GOTTA PUT ME FIRST. 

Gemini: You’re perfect, and you know that. There should be more of you, right? Become an influencer and spread your perfection far and wide. 

Cancer: Intuition is your main deal. Who cares if other people say you’re wrong? You’re right, and you should let everyone else know that. 

Leo: Because you’re a Leo, everyone around you knows you’re dramatic and have a main character complex. But that’s ok, because in capitalism, you will be the first to climb to the top with all of the money from your new movie you star in with Leonardo DiCaprio. 

Virgo: You are the busiest bee. Never stop the grind until you die. Who needs paid time off? Not you. No breaks. No getting behind. You will be the capitalist queen, even if it kills you. 

Libra: I don’t think you’re meant to grind relentlessly. You are probably going to fall to capitalism. That’s ok, but don’t expect much from your future. 

Scorpio: Tap into your tendency to be misunderstood and underestimated. Then, come out on top and wipe out the top dogs. The hit to the top bosses will hurt so much more when they never saw it coming. 

Sagittarius: You don’t really have boundaries. But, this will work to your advantage, because you have a way of deducing information from everyone around you. This will allow you to rise like an icarus. 

Capricorn: Time is both your ally and enemy. Don’t let time get behind you, or you’ll fall behind in everything you do. Don’t waste a second. 

Aquarius: You’ll probably be a martyr to the cause. You have a way of being innovative and personal with everyone around you, which could cause you to take on more than you can handle. However, you could definitely use these skills to your advantage as well. 

Pisces: You’re basically a mind-reader. Use your intuition to freak out your peers, and eventually to defeat them in the capitalist scheme. 

How to Play Capitalism

Get a standard deck of 52 cards. Take out jokers. 

You will need at least four players. Split the deck evenly between all players. In this game, 3 is the lowest card, and 2 is the highest card. The person who has been dealt the 3 of clubs will start the game. In a circle, the next players must put down a card higher than the person who went before them. Whoever finishes the stack with the highest card gets to start again. The person starting can play whatever card they like, and can play multiples of the same value if they like. Once someone has started a round with multiples of a card, everyone else must also play the same amount of multiples as the person who started. Everyone goes around in a circle until all players are out of cards. The object of the game is to be out of cards first. The person who is out first is the Capitalist, the person who is out second is the Vice Capitalist, the person who is out third is Vice Scum and the person who is out last is Scum. Scum and Capitalist must exchange cards in the next round. The game is dealt again, but in the second round, Scum must give Capitalist their four highest cards. Capitalist can get rid of any four cards they choose. There is some strategy to this, as the capitalist may have a double of a low card, but may want to choose to keep these. Vice Capitalist and Vice Scum will also exchange cards with the same rules, but they only need to exchange three cards. Players can play as long as they would like to attempt to beat the society oppressing them. The only way the game can end is if a player rage quits, which will likely be the reigning Scum.