Gym bros hit the GSC stage in 5-9

By Krizz Ross, Resident Dolly Parton Correspondent

Disclaimer: The following article is satire, as it was apart of an April Fool’s edition.

After Xavier Theatre’s success with Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5, the participants of the Norwood Classic have decided to present a production titled 5 to 9. 

The Norwood Classic is an opportunity for Xavier students to display their talents in the gym, but the Health United Building cannot properly showcase their musical talents. The title 5 to 9 reflects all the hard work gym buffs put in each day before their regular activities commence. 

The musical will feature many Parton rewrites, showing the magnitude and potentially dangerous abilities of female powerlifters.

Photo courtesy of

The musical 5 to 9 will follow the story of Daisy and Bill, a student powerlifting couple going head to head in the Norwood Classic. Daisy recruits a team of female powerlifters; Daisy, Jennifer and Sarah soon become entirely devoted to their powerlifting quest. Bill and his friends, Harry and Sam, are threatened by Daisy’s excellent team of athletes. The production will follow the battles between the teams and showcase the jealousy among teammates. 

The cast, composed of only Norwood Classic participants, will break out into several actual powerlifting montages on stage. 

Patryk Stys, who will be playing the role of Bill, spoke of the team’s dedication.

“In preparation, we wanted to let the muscles do the talking. We skipped all the singing lessons we had booked. We’ve got a lot of lifts in this production, but with weights, not people. 

Honestly, I’m just hyped for the other students to get to see some Greek god physiques,” Stys said. 

Newswire photo courtesy of Katie Sanchez

This musical will be sure to include all of your favorite Parton songs, written with  even more of a feminist punch. The score of this musical opens with “5 to 9,” a song about Daisy’s assumptions that her team will lose to Bill’s team in the final powerlifting competition. 

The musical even features forbidden love, expressed in the song, “Dumb Buff.” In this tune, Jennifer sings to Sam about how he isn’t good enough for her and his capabilities end when he leaves the gym. 

However, Jennifer and Sam  reconcile through “Aisles in the GNC,” a rewrite of the famous “Islands in the Stream.” The musical also features some of Parton’s newer work, with a rewrite of the song “Berry Pie” to “Scary Pie,” which is sung by Daisy when she offers the boys’ team a pie as a peace offering, but secretly puts carbs and no protein in it to weaken her competition. 
The performance of 5 to 9 will be held for one night only in the Gallagher Student Center Theatre on April 31 at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $10 at the door or can be purchased via black market auction on EngageXU.