By Jake Darkoutfit, Has Watched Three Seasons of Young Sheldon via TiqToq Segments
Disclaimer: The following article is satire, as it was apart of an April Fool’s edition.
Dizney+ has announced it will be adding Subway Surfers gameplay to its subtitle options starting this Sunday.
Dizney’s Representative of Corporate Accessibility Marion Bingles stated this option would allow for greater accessibility.
“We’ve always strived as a company to make our magic accessible to everyone,” Bingles said. “Everyone deserves to buy our products.”
The decision was made in conjunction with the increasing number of ADHD diagnoses in American children.
“We’re up 75%,” said an American Psychological Association representative in a recent statement. “That’s a lot of Adderall.”
The new menu option will include a new type of subtitle, in which the entire bottom half of the viewer’s TV will be filled with pre-recorded footage of gameplay from the popular endless runner game.
Head research analyst on Bingles’ team Robert Berman-Shessel simplified the science behind the Subway Surfers phenomena.
“See, when you have two possible media outlets, kids start to disassociate from one to the other, then they start doing it faster and faster, until they simultaneously disassociate and associate with both at the same time,” he explained. “We’re basically Clockwork Orange-ing 10-year-olds.”
Bingles’ subtitle design was inspired by popular nonsense app TiqToq.
“I actively watched my granddaughter pull out her iPad and watch an entire episode of Bluey, all with those little delinquents making a mockery of the American public transit system underneath,” she said.
“I thought, why let @_BlueyVidsDaily_ have all the fun when I can monetize their platform and revenue?” Bingles said.
In response to Dizney’s implementation, other streaming services have already begun experimenting with similar subtitle services. Notflix Kidz has announced that they bought the rights to the ball-rolling maze game that’s ever present on TiqToq. Meanwhile, Parrelmount+ said that they only really have the budget for rug cleaning videos and soap cutting compilations.
“Dizney’s at 80HD right now,” Notflix CEO Ted Sarcasm Jr. said in an interview with Peephole Magazine. “But we’re about to kick it up to 100HD.”
Other streaming services, such as Holu, haven’t bought into the hype.
“We were airing Family Guy and South Park before all this Trainyard Chaser malarkey,” Holu representative Doug Chulu said. The company has no current plans to implement any ADHD-friendly feature.
Bingles’ team is currently toying with additional options seen on “ADHD-Tok” to be implemented, such as an AI robot voice poorly describing the plot of a movie as it happens, or a feature that allows “Love You So” by The King Khan & BBQ Show to be playing at a volume that is slightly too loud to hear anything else happening.
The announcement has caused excitement in Xavier’s esports community.
“It’s really dope to see the possibilities of the game I love widened,” Chadley Bradlington, a junior communication studies major and competitive Subway Surfers player, said. “It makes all those late nights in D’Artagnan’s Den feel worth it.”
Bradlington has hope for the future of the Subway Surfing community after Dizney’s new acquisition.
“I know me and a couple other surfers would love to one day get the opportunity to play for Dizney+,” he said. “Personally, I’m a Spike main, which is a little rare to see, so I feel like I could bring something fresh to the table.”
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