Or, NEWSWIRE STRIPS BACK PAGE EDITOR OF HER FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS

By Slayla, Patent Holder of the Word “Slay”

HELLO NEWSWIRE READERS. BACK PAGE HAS ONCE AGAIN TAKEN OVER NEWSWIRE. 

THIS WEEK, I AM TAKING OVER IN A BIG WAY. A BIG LETTERS WAY. MY LOVELY COPY EDITORS AND EDITOR-IN-CHIEF KEEP STRIPPING ME OF MY BELOVED CAPITAL LETTERS. THIS IS CENSORSHIP ON XAVIER’S CAMPUS, AND I CANNOT STAND FOR IT. 

I AM PRO-CAPITALISM, AND YOU ALL SHOULD BE, TOO. THIS IS A VIOLATION OF MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS. ALTHOUGH CAPITAL LETTERS MAY BE INTERPRETED AS AGGRESSIVE, I THINK THEY SHOULD BE USED MORE FOR DRAMATIC EMPHASIS. 

ADDITIONALLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH BEING AGGRESSIVE? PERSONALLY, I THINK MORE PEOPLE SHOULD BE AGGRESSIVE. I AM THOROUGHLY TIRED OF PLAYING GUESSING GAMES. 

AND, AS IF PUTTING LIMITS ON MY USAGE OF CAPITALISM WASN’T ENOUGH OF A POWER TRIP FOR THE EDITORS, THEY ARE NOW TELLING ME TO LIMIT THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I SAY THE WORD “SLAY” ON A PAGE. 

I CAN AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THEIR GRIPES WITH CAPITALISM — IT DOES GIVE THE ENERGY OF BEING SPAT ON AND STOMPED ON. BUT SLAY IS FOR ALL. SLAY CANNOT BE TAKEN AWAY. SLAY ALL DAY. THEY MAY SAY I AM NOT FOLLOWING “AP STYLE,” BUT I WAS DONE WITH AP STYLE WHEN I TURNED IN MY AP ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE TEST ON THE LAST DAY OF MY SENIOR YEAR. 

BY ABRIDGING MY WORK THROUGH ELIMINATING THE WORD SLAY, I AM BEING STRIPPED OF MY RIGHTS. THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD ABRIDGEMENT IS “THE SHORTENING OF A PIECE OF WRITING WITHOUT LOSING THE SENSE.” SLAY IS THE SENSE OF ALL MY WRITING, SLAY IS THE AIR I BREATHE AND THE ESSENCE OF THE BACK PAGE; TO ABRIDGE SLAY IS TO LOSE SENSE OF WHO I AM AND SENSE OF WHAT THE BACK PAGE IS MEANT TO BE. 

SINCE THE FORMER BACK PAGE EDITOR HAS FALLEN TO THE ADULT WORLD, I MUST MAINTAIN HIS REPUTATION OF KEEPING ALL READERS AND EDITORS OF NEWSWIRE SILLY. HOWEVER, I AM NOT THE MOST SILLY PERSON TO ROAM THE PLANET, SO MY MISSION IS TO KEEP ALL READERS AND EDITORS OF NEWSWIRE SLAY. I HAVE AN EIGHT-STEP PLAN FOR THIS, JUST BECAUSE EIGHT IS MY FAVORITE NUMBER: 

1. NO MORE FLARE LEGGINGS AND CROP TOPS. 

2. CAPITAL LETTERS ARE ALLOWED ALWAYS. THIS IS AMERICA. WITHOUT CAPITALISM, WE DIE. 

3. SLAY. 

4. SLAY ALL DAY. 

5. NO MORE SAYING CHEUGY. ONLY I AM ALLOWED TO SAY WHAT IS CHEUGY OR NOT. 

6. “LOSER COMMIE” IS A MENTALITY. DON’T BE A LOSER COMMIE. 

7. EAT CARBS. THEY MAKE YOU HAPPIER. 

8. DO NOT POST YOUR DOG ON THE GRID. 

Breaking News: Editors are mad Newswire’s cruel Editor-in-Chief won’t let them say curse words, ill-advised jokes and other content that would be wholly inappropriate for a student newspaper to publish.