By Topher Clicker

Ladies and Gentlemen, fellow Americans, good people of Xavier University. Our nation is currently caught in the grips of a frightening and unprecedented time. People are unable to find jobs and support their families, groceries continue to become more and more of a privilege instead of a standard, and many are afraid for the future of our planet’s safety as a whole. But above all this, the most important thing that I, as your narrator, can bring to you is the deceit in front of our very eyes! With all the terror and worry in the world, I will share the going ons of the personal lives of celebrities I’ve never met. The factual retelling of this article is that a one Taylor Alison Swift and one Travis Michael Kelce are working for the Biden administration as liberal agents for the super bowl.

I make no secret of this article’s current opinion of the political landscape in America, as of February 2024. The current Federal administration has failed to take sufficient action in the face of genuine problems. Now Joe Biden knows this, if he can ever finish a coherent sentence it’s uninspired garbage that excites the voters as much as dental wax. So to account for this, what does the Biden administration do? They infiltrate the largest audience in America:The Super Bowl.

Now, I love football. Playing with friends, getting a little messy, running around, it’s as American as it gets. But this year has been plagued by Taylor Swift, a semi-popular singer who has drawn attention from certain parts of the country. She is currently dating Travis Kelce, the tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, last year’s super bowl winners. Now I’m sure they’re very happy with each other, it’s not like one of them has a habit of breaking up then following it with profitable songs, or that the other has failed drug tests in his college football days. Regardless, they are the most searched “power” couple in America right now.

So it is therefore, the Biden administration, seeing the popularity of this couple, have spoken to them about promotions and future endorsements. It’s not a stupid idea, but undermining a non-partisan pastime with a political agenda is wholeheartedly unamerican. Now I don’t want to sound conspiratorial, but is it a coincidence that Kelce and Swift are from Ohio and Pennsylvania? Both prevalent swing states for November? Could be, but if the Super Bowl comes and goes, and the Kansas City Chiefs get their fairy tale ending, capping it off with a Joe Biden Salute. Football will become one more aspect of American life defined by political opinions.