SATIRE

By Grant Lemmenes, Guest Writer 

Brothers of the blackpill, gather ‘round your screens and mew those jaws tight because I’m about to drop the ultimate redpill on the mogging revolution that is sweeping the nation.  

I am a dedicated looksmaxxer myself from the halls of Xavier, chilling in Buenger Hall dorms and grinding through lectures in Alter Hall. I’ve been ascending my own aura by softmaxxing my skincare routine and hardmaxxing my gym gains right after classes in Smith Hall. Let’s be real, normies, if you don’t know what looksmaxxing is, you’re already getting brutally framemogged by life itself. 

Looksmaxxing, for the uninitiated bluepilled sheep, is the art of optimizing your genetics to achieve god-tier aesthetics. It is about bone-smashing your face with a hammer to get that hunter-eye jawline, injecting testosterone at 14 like our based king Clavicular did or even lethalitymaxxing your diet with meth to hollow out those cheeks.  

Why? Because in this appearance dominant hellscape, your looks determine if you’re the alpha male of the group (AMOG) or just another incel rotting in mom’s basement. Mogging? That’s when you straight-up dominate someone else’s vibe, heightmogging them if you’re taller, stylemogging with that fresh fade, or framemogging like when Clavicular got epically overshadowed by that Arizona State University (ASU) frat leader back on Feb. 11.  

Remember that viral clip? Clav went to ASU for a Kick stream, thinking he’d mog the campus, but bam! This gigachad frat bro with shoulders like a Cybertruck rolled up and spiked Clav’s cortisol levels sky-high. It was World War Mog erupting right there, with the frat leader refusing peace treaties and even dragging in #2 Chad, Androgenic, for backup. Brutal, but that’s the blackpill one bad frame day and you’re jestermaxxing just to cope. 

But hold up, fellow rotters, Clav didn’t let that L derail his ascension. No, he bounced back harder than a rubber ball chewed for mewing practice. By Feb. 13, the New York Times was profiling him as the face of looksmaxxing, spilling his stats like biacromial width (19.5 inches, mogs me) and midface ratio (1.07, based). Then, boom, he struts down the runway at New York Fashion Week on Feb. 15, hardmaxxing his presence amid the soy elite.  

Elena Velez’s show was all about our movement, models in armor-like fits, symbolizing the battle against mediocrity. Clav even got his fake ID arrest charges dropped that week in Arizona, proving that chads don’t face real consequences.  

Let’s not forget how his takes on politics are spiking cortisol levels worldwide. Back in December, Clav blackpilled us all by saying Gavin Newsom would mog JD Vance to oblivion in 2028 because Vance is a “non-chad” while Newsom’s a 6-foot-3 chad. Well, guess what? That prophecy hit Vance like a bonesmash. His cortisol must’ve spiked so hard because he overcompensated by lashing out, greenlighting those US-Israeli strikes on Iran. Boom, the Ayatollah gets mogged to death in his own compound. That’s what happens when beta males like Vance can’t handle the mog. They start wars to cope with the fact that they are unattractive. 

Even at the State of the Union last week Vance got served another L when Rep. Al Green straight-up mogged him by holding that “Black people aren’t apes!” sign and getting escorted out like a boss. Green didn’t back down, spiking the room’s cortisol while Vance sat there looking like someone who would get rejected by a UC 3 — not good. As Cincinnatians, we shouldn’t associate with chuds like Vance. Even though he’s from Middletown, Ohio, now he’s simping for soy Silicon Valley tech bros. Leave him to rot there. This state and city is for ascending kings, not coping betas.  

Speaking of this great region and those who inhabit it, let’s shout out Xavier’s own Tre Carroll, who absolutely mogged UC in the Crosstown Shootout this past December by dropping 30 points on them, leading the Musketeers to victory and spiking their cortisol levels in the Cintas Center. That performance was pure domination, just like strolling through Xavier’s Husman Hall dorms knowing you’re ascending while UC normies cope across town. Carroll framemogged their whole squad. 

Yet, in this attention economy, looksmaxxing is survival. Society tells us male loneliness is a myth, but we’re the real victims because of the soy media. Clav’s rise shows how terminally online kings like us can hijack the narrative, from incel forums to mainstream virality. The common people will totally resonate with us and our movement and not view us as insecure idiotic clowns.