by Ben Dickison, Back Page Editor

In an Instagram story published early yesterday morning, Britney Spears claimed she is five years old and will be soon moving to Mexico to begin her studies as a kindergartener. Let’s anticipate what this reincarnate five-year old, who appears as a 43 year-old washed up pop star, will accomplish in the coming years.

Possibility 1: Jockey

As a Kentuckian, any time I see a person under 5’4’’, I recommend them for this occupation. Britney Spears would be perfect for jockeying, because each the horse needs to be motivated further, it can simply tell Britney, “Hit me baby, one more time!”

Possibility 2: Brockman Hall Resident

In 2021, at what I guess was the ripe age of 3, Spears converted to Catholicism. Perhaps she’ll grow up to grow in her faith as a Xavier Musketeer. She may even enter religious life, but that’s nun of our business.

Possibility 3: Governor of Mississippi

Most people are unaware of some of the prominent performers that hail from the Magnolia State, such as Britney, Diplo, Rick Ross, Hailey Williams and even the Beatles. Britney seems to have quite political conscience for a five year old. In 2020, as a one year old infant, Spears came out in support of DACA, which protects the right for children born in the United States to parents who are undocumented to stay in the country. She also is rumored to have had romantic cahoots with Prince William of the United Kingdom. Perhaps if she doesn’t become governor, the provocative dancer will shake that ambASSador to the United Kingdom.

Possibility 4: Trainer for Female Dogs

Tell me you don’t see it. “Spears Doggy Daycare: It’s Britney, b*tch.”

Possibility 5: Lumberjack

She knows not only how to nourish soil and avoid “Toxic” material, but she also spent a lot of time working in Timbaland.