SATIRE

Michael Torley, Guest Writer 

Sorry Judge Judy, but Court is not in session. This is how to get out of jury duty! 

Picture this: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real, the cases are real, the verdicts are final, and you’re being forced to sit there and watch it all because you have to do jury duty. Do you REALLY want to be there? What if Judge Judy took a day off and you have some guy named Greg presiding over some theft trial? Jury duty is a lot like taxes: people don’t want to do them but also don’t want to go to jail so they do it anyways.  

Well, if you’ve ever wanted to get out of there, do I have the thing for you! Here are some 100% legal, very excusable reasons you can get out of jury duty. 

#1: The Dog Ate My Homework Jury Duty Notice 

An excuse as old as time, you could call the dog. Dogs are notorious for being man’s best friend and eating almost anything in sight. Being a dog owner myself, I can tell you just how destructive those furry friends can be.  

So, when that dreaded letter comes in the mail telling you to dedicate the next two weeks of your life to Sally Mae’s murder trial, just go ahead and slip that letter to the dog and it will take care of the rest.  

On the bright side, Sally Mae can’t take up your time anymore! Those next two weeks are yours and nobody can stop you from spending your time how you want. 

#2: The Courtroom is Your Reality Show 

If you don’t own a dog, or are allergic to them, this excuse hopefully can help sideline that issue, however it does require a few more steps. For one, you have to show up to court (yuck!), but I will guarantee that you will have a lot of fun with this one.  

If you have seen the show “Jury Duty,” you will know that the courtroom is nothing but a big stage to perform on, especially if you are the jury. So, since you had to show up for jury duty, why not give the audience a little show? Go ahead, tell those confessionals, start Real Housewives style fights or act like a Kardashian for a day.

When you go home, feel a sense of security that you caused so much drama that I’m pretty sure the trial’s just going to get cancelled because the tea has thoroughly been served. 

#3: Weaponize Your Classes Against the Court 

Life is hard as a college student and jury duty doesn’t make it any better. Therefore, when the court comes a knocking for some of your preciously sweet time, feel free to use that one hard class as a bargaining chip of sorts.  

Your classes are just SO valuable and it is just SO important that you attain such a good education that you just CANNOT be a part of the jury for this trial. Truthfully, someone working for that courtroom is probably going to take pity on you and you just do whatever you want after you’re done.  

I mean, did you plan on only doing coursework after you got out of jury duty? No one in the courtroom needs to know how else you spend your “study time.” 

If this hasn’t been made clear enough yet, I am not a legal expert. I do not take responsibility if you decide to use one of these excuses and it ends up being illegal and you end up in jail. Yet, if you are still wanting to get out of jury duty but do not want to go to jail for it, I want to end by informing you of a very real way to get out of jury duty that was told to me by a judge.  

The key is to speak as much as humanly possible the more words out of your mouth, the better. Lawyers from both sides get to excuse five potential jurors each and the judge can excuse five potential jurors as well. So, talk your heart out! Say crazy things! Make somebody excuse you!  

Extroverts, just be your extroverted selves. Introverts, just talk as much as possible for this day and this day only and then you can go back to your introvert ways. At the end of this all, we can just band together and tell Judge Judith Sheidlin: “Sorry Judge Judy, Court is NOT in session!” If you try this and it somehow doesn’t work, then “go ahead and literally be the judge of my fate.”