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SATIRE
By Kayleb Blanton, Staff Writer
Recently Kim Kardashian’s undergarment company, Skims, released a line of panties marked by their distinctive pubic accessories, but what the public doesn’t know is how Skims got the hair to be so realistic.
These new Skims’ bush thongs come in nine sizes, three skin colors and four hair colors – all mix and matchable.
The Skims website claims their underwear is made from faux hair, mesh and elastic, but further analysis proves that it is in fact biological in make.
You would think Kim Kardashian is looking lovingly in her ex-husband Kanye’s eyes, but really she is plotting all the ways to steal his hair for her new panties.
Further digging found that the thongs aren’t made of just any hair, but human hair, specifically of Western European and Armenian descent. While we do not have Kardashian’s DNA to compare to the samples from the thongs, it would not be inaccurate to theorize the hair is… locally sourced.
“We have different colors, different hair… Skims, baby” Kardashian said on her social media page. However, evidence makes us question whether the hair is truly different or just shaped that way.
Theories have popped up regarding the procurement of the hair. The leading theory is that Kim K herself is the source, which lines up with the previous results from the hair’s genetic analysis. It could also possibly explain why they haven’t been able to restock their selection despite such heavy demand.
Because this theory doesn’t account for all the different textures and colors offered by the product, theorists have raised the idea that the hair is sourced from either close confidants or outside contractors.
Attempts to procure more than one pair of these undergarments have remained unsuccessful, making genetic comparisons between garments inaccessible.
This discovery has led to widespread controversy with some saying it’s immoral to withhold this information from buyers. Others primarily criticize the possible precedent being set with the sale of crabs-friendly undergarments considering both the production of similar garments and the resale of these items in particular could increase the risk of communicable crotch critters.
Crabs will not be found within the underwear, but on the outside!
Some criticize the garment for promoting the existence of women’s pubic hair, but nobody respects those people so they will no longer be mentioned.
“Everyone has body hair dip s*** it came free with your f****** endocrine system” Gregory the Floppa Cat, exasperatedly said.
Xavier students’ reactions have been mixed. Many students, when asked their opinions on the matter, stated they weren’t familiar with the topic, didn’t care to comment, or were too busy laughing to talk..
All we know is that now that this information is out, there will be many customers who lose interest in the product and many more who will get on this product’s waiting list.
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