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SATIRE
By Katy Korstange, Newswire Intern
We need to talk about something that has gotten out of hand in today’s society: the art of baby naming.
Gone are the days of normal baby names like George, Elizabeth or William. Now, enter baby names that cause so much secondhand embarrassment that the kid may not even be able to make it to their second birthday without wanting to legally change their name. The worst part is, it’s not even the child’s fault.
Picture this, a kid is sitting in class on the first day of middle school. A day that has a lot of impact on a child’s reputation for the entire rest of their education. The teacher is calling role and gets to the name Malibu Barbie, a name that influencer Trisha Paytas named her first child.
The entire class laughs because they think it’s a joke. There’s no way the 66-year-old Mattel plastic doll is in class with them. Then a poor 11-year-old has to admit to having that name. Boom, reputation ruined. How can you do that to your own kid?
In this case, maybe it’s a plea for attention. Maybe it’s a pseudonym for the hopefully normal name of Paytas’s first-born because she doesn’t want to just insert her into the media like countless other influencers do.
Maybe parents are getting bored of conventional names and are wanting to branch out. This is totally fine and valid, but they can’t do that by literally naming their kid Branch.
Interestingly enough, many states have laws in place that put guidelines on what names can be used. For example, many states don’t allow names with a title, such as President or King. This is understandable because this eliminates a lot of confusion as your kid isn’t the king of anything.
States also have restrictions on using numbers in a name. Elon Musk, for example, tried to name his kid X Æ A-12. Wild, I know. Because of Californias laws, he wasn’t able to use the number 12 or the symbol of Æ and had to settle for X AE A-XII instead.
The idea for the name X Æ A-12 came from a planet far, far away.
Let’s just unpack this for a second. How is that name even pronounced? How is this poor kid supposed to exist with that name. The good news for X AE A-XII though is that his other 13 siblings are also in the same boat. Some of their most notable names are Techno Mechanicus, Exa Dark and Romulus.
Maybe, as a society, we have just gotten lazier and decided to name children whatever is on our minds at their birth. What about Da’blessingfromabove? This one is really sweet, honestly. What child wouldn’t want to be reminded of their parents’ love every time they introduce themself?
How about naming a child after a favorite movie or TV show? The name Renesmee inspired by the movie “Twilight,” actually has a nice ring to it. Maybe TSITP for a baby born in the summer, or even Hufflepuff after America’s favorite movie series to binge.
If we are naming our kids after things that we love so much, why not use the name Emotionally-Unstable-Man-Who-Has-Nice-Muscles? Or maybe Jack Daniels for a boy. The name Retail Therapy is a great gender-neutral option.
We should all be worried about what Gen-Alpha kids will name their children. I’m assuming that the top contenders will be Six or Seven.
Gen Alpha are going to be great parents and even better at naming their children!
All in all, we need to learn to leave the crazy names to our Sims games and stop treating the blank space on the birth certificate as a place for our current favorite trends. Maybe doing this will offer the next generation a chance at a normal childhood.
