SATIRE

By Ben Jenkins, Newswire Intern 

As we all know, students in the class of 2030 and beyond now have to live on campus for three years. Future classes now have the fantastic opportunity to extend dorm life. One extra year of bonding with your RA, the sound of your neighbors throwing cinder blocks at 2 a.m. and late-night fire alarms. What a treat! 

So, instead of this three-year living requirement, I’ve come up with a few solutions to get all of our bonding done in just two years. 

Roommate Roulette 

After every month, we all get assigned a new random roommate. No more living with your friends, just bonding with people you’ve never spoken to. By the end of the two years — you’ll have lived with half the campus. The community will be built in no time! 

Fire Drill Mixers 

From now on when the fire alarm goes off in the middle of the night, it’s going to be one big party. We will bring out some speakers and fruit punch and really get our bonding on. We will also make sure the firemen take their sweet time checking the building, so we all have to get to know each other. 

Dorm Olympics  

Each floor puts together a team to compete in some dorm games. Fastest shower challenge, the most creative way to smuggle contraband past the RA desks and longest time spent avoiding contributing to the group project. All great ways to build some team chemistry with your neighbors.  

Hallway Cookout 

Everyone brings out their finest cooking to share with the dorm building. Easy Mac cups (please don’t put the water in before you start the microwave), cups of ramen and maybe even some Pizza Rolls if you’re lucky. This way we can bond with each other and find out who we should be close with to mooch off their food. 

RA Bingo 

We all come up with some bingo cards based on what our RA can catch us doing. Spots can be RA finds someone vaping, RA sees a beer can in the floor trash room and other things of that nature. The first person to get bingo earns a get out of jail free card with the RA. 

Floor Fantasy League. 

We all get together and draft a team full of Xavier students like it is fantasy football. Your players can get points for burning something in the microwave, locking themselves out or skipping their first class. We can all spend time hoping our friends screw up; there’s no better way to make friends. 

So yes, the future Xavier students will have to be on campus for three years, but maybe we can save them by implementing some of these ideas. If we can play some RA bingo or attend a few fire alarm parties, it seems like we should all be fantastic friends by the end of two years!