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SATIRE
By Audrey Elwood, Campus Editor
The Canadian TV show “Heated Rivalry” is spreading among the Gen Z market like wildfire.
I mean, what’s not to like about two hot men kissing each other, and occasionally doing other stuff? The show is based around Russian Ilya Rozanov, Canadian Shane Hollander and their 10-year hockey situationship. Do you remember your situationship from freshman year that told you that you looked like his mom? Well, this is completely different. They love each other and are successful. Your situationship has now dropped out and is taking a “creative rebrand gap year.”
But now, you have bagged the boyfriend of your dreams, and you want to share your love of the traditional Japanese storytelling method of Yaoi. Do you want to do something other than listening to him complain about how his exercise science major is “so much harder” than your nursing degree? How do you get him to look up from his YouTube Shorts? Well look no further, we have developed clever excuses to help you and him “connect,” over “Heated Rivalry.”
If he’s from the south:
It’s unfortunate that at the ripe age of 25 your boyfriend still has to use a walker to get around on the ice.
Can’t get around all that hockey, eh? If your boyfriend is not of the Great Lakes’ persuasion, consider explaining to him the basics of hockey. It is just like the time you guys went ice skating; however, these men do not hug the wall sniffling the whole time about how they want to go home and play 2K. Convince him that yes, he too could have been an all-time hockey great, if he didn’t sprain his ankle in fifth grade.
If he’s insecure that other men look better than him:
Leg day is not optional if you want your glutes to look like Connor Storrie’s. Hudson Williams just posted his daily workout. Get your man a subscription to Men’s Health. This could be the boost he needs to have a meal other than a family sized Dorito’s bag at 2 a.m. After watching the shower scene, oh he will be begging to hit legs and glutes. Now he won’t be eating or looking like a Dorito, maybe his legs will look more human than chicken.
If he doesn’t want to watch “Heated Rivalry” because “its gay”:
Watching Heated Rivalry means watching men push up on each other, which is something Gen Z men love to enjoy on Sundays, especially when Josh Allen gets his tush pushed.
Remind him that he pitches a tent every time he sees Drake Maye throw a ball, then break up with him! Your problem is solved indefinitely, and you can finally go back to your freshman year situationship.
If all else fails, there is nothing better than watching a show that wholly does not pass the Bechdel-test out with your girlfriends. Hey, who knows, maybe all those Svetlana and Rose edits will rub off on the two of you, but that is just as improbable as that happening in the show.
