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SATIRE
By Marta Vallejo, Staff Writer
After a certain Olympic athlete recently proved that even gold medals cannot outshine poor decisions, it’s clear that if you are going to confess to something catastrophic, you might as well do it memorably.
Confessing your infidelity during the Olympics is on par with our beloved Coldplay couple.
Cheating is about the most atrocious thing you can do to the supposed love of your life, and yet so many people find themselves pathetic enough to go through with it. Even worse, if they confess to their partner about it, they tend to do it in a horrible way — can’t say I blame them, as they are just as awful as the confession they’re making.
However, I believe I can make this issue better. I believe I can inspire those who cheat to confess it in a more creative way, a fun way — that way while your partner is left heartbroken, but at least they have a funny your unforgivable act. Because if you’ve already made a life-altering mistake, you might as well commit to the bit.
In addition to Wordle, you could make a mini with the hints, “Where was I last night?” Answer: Bar. “Who did I see?” Anne. “What did we do?” Sex.
Why communicate directly when you can make your confession interactive? Create a Wordle for your lover where the answer is CHEAT. Let them guess it wrong first by putting words like trust, loyal and honor — the opposite of what you are! Then, make a dramatic reveal on attempt six. After all, “Studies show 0% of partners enjoy puzzle-based betrayal” (source: me). They’re sure to love it! Nothing strengthens a dead relationship like competitive guessing.
For those who prefer calm clarity over puzzles. A mindful approach is more desirable. Plus, they’re less likely to punch you in the face if they’re doing meditation. Start by taking deep breaths, guiding your partner through various grounding techniques and slowly drop the bomb mid meditation. Inner peace is temporary, consequences are not.
Coming this fall, one decision. From the creator of “I Can Explain.” It’s your very own trailer of your terrible actions! Rated R for Regret. You can visually format parts like dramatic voice-over text for effect. Critics are calling it “unnecessary” and “avoidable” but part two is coming soon! Introducing, “Sleeping on the Couch!”
If my partner cheated on me I would love to tell the story about how they confessed to me through a movie trailer or a Wordle puzzle and how I have hopefully moved on to a MUCH better lover than the piece of trash I was previously with. Though, the most innovative strategy remains not cheating in the first place. Call it a bold but underutilized method.
For additional relationship advice, please consult literally anyone else.
