SATIRE

By Michael Torley, Staff Writer  

With the passage of Ash Wednesday last week, Catholics the world have entered the 40-day observance period known as Lent. Lent can be a fun time, having the weekly Friday Fish Fry and serving your community, but it also can be stressful as all lent-observing Catholics are told to give something up to better serve the Lord.  

And while it could be easy to just let Jesus have the Xbox controller for the afternoon, this is like Jesus owning your Xbox for 40 days. With so many important things in your life that are impossible to part from, what can a good-natured Catholic give up for Lent this year? Don’t worry Catholic Muskies, I got your back. 

#1: Love is a Stupid Thing (unless it’s loving the Lord in which it’s an amazing thing!) 

“Even now, says the Holy One, return to me with your whole Heart” (Joel 2:12). I quote this bible verse though for a very specific reason: you are not giving your “whole heart” to God!  

Whether it is your family, friends or significant others, your heart belongs to others and that just cannot fly this Lent. Show Mr. Jesus H. Christ that you’re No.1 to him this year by dumping all those other folks for these 40 days and be exclusive to him! Besides, it’s not them, and it’s technically not you, it’s God who’s calling the shots.    

Also, if you’ve been needing to break up with your significant other because it just hasn’t been working out, you can thank me for the shameless way to do it. And to all those single people who don’t have to go through that but will also be alone this Lent, don’t worry that’s me too. Remember kids, love Jesus first and then you can love those other ones. 

#2: Take a Sabbatical and be closer to Christ! 

One thing Lent requires out of observant Catholics is almsgiving, or doing service to better increase your chances of salvation. Now, you may be doing service as a part of your job, but were likely than not that service you’re being paid for, and God has made it clear that no matter how many Benjamins are in your bank account, not one of them will increase your chances of getting into Heaven.  

This Lent, take a sabbatical and ditch your paid service for the most pure and truthful service: volunteer service. If you still need money though, keep your job and just participate in the Community Action Day on March 28. God will be okay with that. 

#3: Do you have Jesus’ phone number? If so, please give it! 

These days, we are attached to our cell phones with constant texting, posting and scrolling, which have become vital to our human existence. However, have you ever checked your contacts, followers/following and accounts on socials to see if Jesus is on there? The only account I’ve found Jesus having is a Fiverr account, and I’m pretty sure it’s not even him. Though this may be the toughest pill to swallow, it may be time to ditch the rectangle.   

Besides, was Jesus posting TikToks while healing people? If he did it today, he honestly could’ve been cancelled because people thought it was AI. If you’re still hesitant think about this: you’ll be coming back afterwards with knowledge of all the cool trends! Just maybe avoid those trends quickly becoming cringe (looking at you, six-seven). 

In the end, it’s okay to feel hesitant giving up something for Lent. Honestly, it’s way easier to say, “do not even talk to me about that right now” and make your friends think that you’re suffering from the sacrifice, even if all you’re doing is contemplating giving up ice cream or Currito. The only thing that I hope you do not give up for Lent is reading these articles, because if you did, I would be really really sad. If you did though after reading this, then I will see you again when both the Lord and my articles rise again at Easter, only on xaviernewswire.com.