By Maci Taylor, Back Page Editor 

Pickles: a vinegary, dilly, crunchy delight that comes in a variety of unique shapes to fit the vibe. Feeling relaxed? A chip will suffice. Feeling adventurous? A spear can fuel that. Stepping on the brink of insanity? A whole pickle can patch that right up. Pickles are capable of righting wrongs and rejuvenating a sense of self, grounding you in a fermented paradise.  

Pickles have the ability to make mouths water without even tasting them. The vinegar activates salivatory glands, preparing them for the party that is about to occur in the mouth. Name another food that can involuntarily make those glands swim in delight. 

Disliking pickles is unacceptable, especially if a person likes cucumbers, which are like pickle’s lame little brother. Pickles are cucumbers with pizzazz and flavor instead of that plain plant-based water taste. Pickles can even come in different flavors like butter, spicy or even in different fruits.   

Pittsburgh – or Picklesburgh – dedicates four days to the pickle lovers of the world by hosting vendors that display unusual and fantastic flavors. If you attend, you are bound to find a flavor that makes your taste buds do cartwheels 

Personally, as an avid pickle lover, I always keep a small container of pickles in my fridge at all times. Not only are pickles delicious, but their juice is versatile in usage. Many burger sauces, chicken marinates and some salad dressings use pickle juice. The people who dislike pickles are probably consuming the brine without knowing. It is like those Flintstone gummies we used to eat. It tastes like fruit, but hidden inside the gummy are vitamins and minerals to keep you healthy. Instead of vitamins and minerals, it is heavenly dill and vinegar. 

The only exception to a distaste to pickles is if you find a partner that you can give your pickles to. In every relationship, there must be a pickle lover and nonpickle lover: one who disgustingly rips the pickles off of their Chick-fil-A sandwich to hand them to the partner who happily chomps them down. Two nonpickle lovers just will not work; you cannot just leave a pile of pickles on the table to be thrown away. That is an unspoken crime to society.  

Speaking of crimes to society, I would like to address Apple. Tell me, why is there a cucumber emoji, but not a pickle emoji? Honestly, I am offended and insulted. What if I am at Picklesburgh and I want to text my friends about all the pickles I’ve enjoyed? You’re telling me I have to use the cucumber emoji to do that? That is just sick and twisted.  

Pickles truly are for everyone. There is a theory that pickles began being made in 2400 BC in Ancient Mesopotamia as a way to prevent food spoilage and have now turned into something greater. I mean, pickles are older than Jesus, guys. Go to the local Kroger and pick up a jar of pickles today. Savor in its glory and its history. It’s more than just food, it’s proof that simple things can stay legendary.  

So, go be legendary. I love you, pickles.