SATIRE

By Michael Torley, Staff Writer 

I have just got to tell you about some drama lately in the Xavier Newswire villa. 

Specifically, we writers have not been paid at all this semester due to an issue with Xavier’s payroll system and moving us over to it. Honestly, it’s like our yacht has been shipwrecked. As to what we were going to do about it, the villa is a mess. Some thought that it was time for a strike, others wondered if I’d jinxed all of us by telling the public to give up your paycheck for Lent.  

In the end, we had to carry on mainly because where else would you all be able to receive the finest Xavier news? Fizz? Yuck! So, having gotten this issue off my chest I must tell you all a secret: I’ve been making a list all this time of where our money has gone. The rabbit hole goes deeper than ANY of you may think. 

The puzzle first came together for me one day while walking around the villa. I admired the little details and realized just how nice our retreat was. In fact, it was so nice I wondered if anyone might’ve seen our accommodations and been a little jealous. Then, it clicked.  

An avid reader of our news, President Dr. Colleen Hanycz is in a position where she can easily find out our pay, and how we financed such a luxurious place. Amid questions of the new housing policy and random additions to Xavier’s campus, where do you go to avoid such chatter? Why, you go to Cancun, of course! Besides, it’s super cheap to go there right now due to the whole situation in Mexico. Granted, while Puerto Vallarta might be a mess, Cancun is sounding like an oasis away from the chaos. Having made this realization, I audibly gasped. Hanycz has taken our money to have a spring break vacay in Cancun! Unbelievable, yet a classy move nonetheless. Listen, we don’t mind splitting the villa from time to time. Just let us know when you’re wanting to use it next time. 

Okay, so we’ve been robbed for a Cancun vacay, so what? Well, I had to dig deeper into the WHY of a Cancun vacay, and then I was reminded of a rumor I had heard about the other day. Richard Pitino, our beloved head coach and in his first year of coaching men’s basketball team, was considering moving to become the head coach of Providence, according to “a source.”  

With Pitino’s move, what if this Cancun trip wasn’t just for Colleen, but Ricky too? What if… oh my… what if Hanycz was offering up our paychecks as stipend for Ricky to stay?! While I’ve given Richard Pitino (or Ricky P as I like to call him) some flack in suggesting he should add mascots or the popes from the student section to his squad, it didn’t have to result in our lack of pay. Please Ricky, please reconsider. Please tell Hanycz to hold off on the stipend (and give it back to us ideally) and please stay with Xavier. D’Artagnan and the Blue Blob always have your back buddy! 

Now I’m bound to receive questions from the other writers in the villa and even some of you all. What if I’m wrong about both ideas and what other possibilities could there be? Honestly, the possibilities are endless. I’m considering buying a metal detector next to see if our money has been buried underground by those scoundrels in a type of scavenger hunt for us.  

All I know is this: in the wake of our loss we’ve been left with the new igloos out on the Yard, the fraternities and sororities are arriving to campus in the coming weeks and A LOT of questions. While I could ask all these questions now, I know that the show has got to go on and I have to stop hogging the spotlight.  

So, this has been my confessional. It has been a while since I’ve last done this type of confession. I apologize to the Jesuits for having not consulted you all about the ideas of what to give up for Lent, and I must say goodbye. You can find me next time looking all around campus with the metal detector for the lost money. At least it will make the weekends more exciting, no?