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SATIRE
By Audrey Elwood, Campus News Editor
The Khia Asylum is the premiere institution of the failed stars of yesterday, and now, they have just booked the biggest stage of their career: the Husman Yard.
Yes, it is true, the impossible was pulled off. There will be a stacked lineup of people who had one good song in 2017. This is a big step up from past years, where it was one good song from 2011. Now, we can remember the songs and not just have a faint recollection of hearing the song in a Wendy’s when our parents were doing their custody exchange.
Fergie is one of the national spokesperson for the Khia Asylum and she always starts each speech with, “WoAoOAh.”
We’ll begin the day by inviting Fergie, who will invite Xavier cheer to “WoAoOAh” with her across campus. Unfortunately, ROTC will protest her performance of the national anthem, saying in a statement, “Let us have our first-years do it as a hazing measure.”
The second act is Bea Miller. Known for bangers like S.L.U.T., Bea is likely to shout out Fizz, Xavier’s own slut shaming platform. The only unforgettable thing going on at Xavier Fest will be her performance.
Lizzo will make an appearance, sponsored by TriHealth. She will be giving out free Semaglutide (the cheap compounded kind because our school can’t afford the premium stuff), alongside a list of excuses for when you get Ozempic allegations, ranging from Caf chicken to the walk to H-lot.
Seeing as it’s a Friday, Rebecca Black is rolling up. Maybe your stoned roommate will finally learn the days of the weekend. He has not perceived time’s passage or words since he lit up in honor of Bob Weir’s death. Don’t worry, he’s been busy rewriting the College Republican’s statement on ICE. I am sure it will be more coherent than the first time.
I think I speak for all CupcakKe fans when I say we miss her singing about her anatomy and what she wants to do with it! CupcakKe please free yourself!
My neck, my back and my crack cannot wait for the titular Khia. Yes, the Khia Asylum is named after someone. With a special guest, CupcakKe, whose jaw-dropping vocals will send her to solitary. CupcakKe’s chart topping single “Vagina” samples “My Neck” and has been the most influential thing to come out of the Khia Asylum since Charli xcx.
The headliner is the baddie duo themselves, Drake and Sexyy Red. Kendrick was right when he said “When I see you stand by Sexyy Red, / I believe you see two bad bitches/ I believe you don’t like women, it’s real/ competition, you might pop ass with ’em.” Drake will be shaking so much cake, OSI will get a seismic monitor. Sexyy Red has plans to convert to Catholicism, but she just can’t get over the Catechism yet.
Bebe Rexha may come to Xavier Fest if this article gets 40,000 likes. We are currently at 52 likes. Screw it, we can always get the Dugan Brothers to play instead.
