SATIRE

By Charlie Thompson, Staff Writer 

Recently, our university administration has made the decision to ban all decorations on or around the windows of dorms. Now I have talked to many, many students about this and the consensus is that this is an UNPOPULAR decision. 

Students were using their windows to display obscene and grotesque imagery that fully goes against everything this university stands for. LED lights by the window? Are the beautiful and fulfilling overhead dorms lights not GOOD enough for you? Funko pops on the windowsill? How is the administration supposed to see inside your dorm when over 6% of the window itself is obstructed? 

Luckily our glorious leaders have come up with a further solution to quench this window problem by banning curtains.  

Now the inside of the dorms can be fully available to public view and can filter out the bad apples who use their dorms for such disgusting purposes as displaying street signs in their window. 

This, however, creates one tremendous problem: students can still continue to carry out anti-university policy actions by keeping their lights off. Especially in the nighttime, without a flashlight, seeing into dorms is completely impossible.

This dilemma has further been solved by our trailblazing commanders via the installation of 100 Kilowatt arc lights into the dorms that will stay on at all times of the day. They have even been so kind as to give us all complementary Xavier sleeping masks for nighttime and a 15% discount on Xavier branded sunscreen at the bookstore to combat the dangerous heat the arc lights emit. Sunscreen is limited to one bottle per semester. 

Now our completely unobstructed windows can be seen bigger and brighter than ever before! 

Now one may ask the question: “What’s stopping students from going off campus and committing actions against university policy?” 

Luckily the administration has an answer for that too by using the money gained from the institution of the three-year on-campus living requirement to purchase every liquor store, bar and nightclub within a forty-minute drive of campus. Now Xavier students are unable to break the laws even if they wanted to! 

Xavier will replace all of these havens of sin with safe alternatives like Dana’s, which will become a Mattress Firm or Vine Street which is becoming one large Hobby Lobby. All with perfectly undecorated windows. 

Furthermore, to maximize student efficiency, The Inner Circle has decided to ban dorms entirely and shift to a military-style barrack system making, watching and patrolling much easier for our superiors. 

Finally, our university can truly be a place of peace and academic dedication. 

But wait… 

What stops students from retreating to distractions and anti-university sentiment within their own minds? 

Luckily, a final resolution has been passed by The Party.

The Xavier University Thought Police will be on the prowl this semester to ensure that those below The Party are acting in a manner that complies with the Student Code of Conduct, The Loyalty Blood Oath and the Sacrificial Pledge to St. Xavier. 

Now enemies of The Party and the university can be rounded up and removed from our society while the ones faithful to our leaders can continue to live in paradise. 

Combined with the Flock cameras, the news of our greatness displayed 24/7 on every screen on campus and the mandatory joy initiatives, our campus has never been cleaner, safer and happier. 

I recently reported two of my own friends for anti-Xavier sentiment to the Bureau of Adherence to Loyalty, Law-following and Submission or B.A.L.L.S.  

Recent crimes against our university include suggesting the dining hall food was dry or attempting to place a sticker on their barrack window-like miserable, anti-Xavier filth. 

These villains within our society live among us. It is our job to report them and remove them. 

Now, as I am forcibly dragged from Gallagher after using an unapproved adjective to describe our leadership in the school paper I cannot help but smile joyfully and gaze at the GSC’s flawless unobstructed windows.  

I know that my imminent correction will only make me a better Musketeer. 

I love Big Brother! All hail The Blue Blob!