Drunk Monopoly rivets fans Exciting match extends Thomas Bell’s run of dominance

By: Jonathan Hogue ~Tree-buggin’ hippie~

Photo courtesy of pornhub.com | Thomas, not pictured, performed the lap dance on Jacko (L). It was exchanged for Park Place in an earlier match.

If it’s Thursday, then you know it’s Drunk Monopoly night. Every Thursday, Thomas Bell, Jacko Carey, Jonathan Hogue and Scott Stratford play a Monopoly game that rivals any other competition seen in modern sports.

This week’s stakes were incredibly high due to Jacko, Jonathan and Scott’s inability to beat Thomas at a game built for business majors. With the bourbon poured and the cards shuffled, the game began.

Thomas has been on a recent winning streak. While his detractors argue Thomas cheats, his record speaks for itself. Thomas has won five out of seven games this season. Jacko, Jonathan and Scott know Thomas will do anything necessary to win Monopoly battles. Infamously, Thomas offered a lap dance to Jacko in a bartering deal for Boardwalk. When he’s not selling his soul, Thomas is the man to beat.

Initially, the property and wealth was evenly split.

“This is a change in pace for the night,” a sober Scott said. “Let’s drink and see how the plays unfold.”

Jonathan took a commanding lead, acquiring Illinois Avenue, Marven Gardens and Park Place on his trip around the board. Following two mixed drinks, Jacko purchased both utilities and successfully bartered for Pennsylvania Avenue.

As most feared, Thomas’s scorched earth technique kicked in after Scott consumed more than three drinks. Game officials noticed Scott’s judgment became foggy. In a weak moment, Scott traded half of his properties and $500 for Thomas’s Mediterranean Avenue. The strategy proved profitable as Thomas let cut his trademark laugh.

Photo courtesy of Jared Fogle’s iPhone | When playing with his usual dog token, Jonathan barks loudly and licks his own ass.

With Scott impaired and his property under new ownership, Thomas built several homes on three of his purple properties. Jonathan countered Thomas’s move by haggling with Jacko for Boardwalk in an effort to curtail the property building. Scott began to give away his fund as a last ditch effort, and the game quickly became a three-person battle.

Jacko’s utilities cut a significant dent during Thomas’s 13th round. He was forced to sell two homes, but an unlucky dice roll during Jonathan’s turn gave Thomas $500 in lost revenue.

Several rolls were unfair to Jonathan, and he was forced to withdraw. Thomas and Jacko went head-to-head for three final dice rolls. Thomas acquired Jonathan’s Park Place and Boardwalk properties and built several homes to trap Jacko. In the game’s final roll, Jacko landed on Boardwalk with two homes and ended his quest to beat Thomas.

The inebriated boys shook hands. Most concluded Thomas won because of devious actions. After Jonathan cussed Thomas out, the fellas listened to music and prepared for next week’s battle of Drunk Monopoly.