Ex-Toon Squad guard hired

By: Josh Bozzick ~Vanilla Ice Enthusiast~

In an unsurprising move during the weekend, Xavier hired Bill Murray to join the men’s basketball coaching staff.

Athletic Director Greg Christopher described the hire as a “no brainer” and spoke with much praise about Murray.

“Bill will bring valuable experience to the coaching staff,” Christopher said. “Albeit, that experience is as an actor, but he has shown great knowledge of sports through some of the movies he has starred in, like ‘Caddyshack.’”

Luke Murray, current men’s basketball assistant coach and Bill’s son, was happy for his dad’s new position.

“My father was getting a lot of attention from the various news outlets over this past season for being at a few Xavier games, and rightfully so,” the younger Murray said. “However, it was becoming a distraction to be his son. I told Coach Mack we needed my dad to have something to do and for him to get out of the limelight for a bit. What better way to do that than hire him?”

What exactly Bill Murray will be doing for the team is uncertain at this time. Will he be busy helping make his “sad Bill Murray face” after Xavier’s heartbreaking loss versus Wisconsin, a viral meme similar to that of the “crying Jordan” face? Will he help show the team how to really act out a flop? Or both?

Having Bill Murray on staff will surely provide a huge recruiting edge out west.

According to sources, Chris Mack hired Murray for his ties to the Southern California area. Mack had heard about the many stars Hollywood area and was looking to tap into the vast talent pool.

Bill Murray held a press conference this morning, thanking the Xavier nation for their support and praising Xavier fans as the best in all of college basketball. The press conference was purposely held on FS1, since Murray, like most Xavier fans, realizes ESPN’s bitterness toward the Big East conference.

In a similar move to high school recruits choosing the school they will attend or The Decision, Murray put on his classic blue Xavier baseball cap and calmly voiced into the mic, “I’m taking my talents to Cincinnati, home of the Xavier Musketeers.”