By: Tatum Hunter ~Newswire’s Kim Jong-un

The athletics department is seeking volunteers to help student athletes make their way around campus.

Ever since the athletes were introduced to Swagways, they have steadily lost interest in walking, sources say. What began as a casual aversion to walking has turned into a staunch refusal to travel in any manner that involves repeatedly placing one foot in front of the other.

“I use all my energy playing basketball, I don’t have any left over for walking,” senior center John Close said. “If we waste energy walking, then our performance will suffer. And I can’t let down my fellow students like that.”

Close has often been spotted traveling slowly on his Swagway and blocking the way of students attempting to walk up Cleneay or down the GSC stairs.

While at first the Swagways seemed to provide a viable alternative mode of transportation, the upright position the athletes were forced to maintain while using the devices was eerily reminiscent of walking.

“I knew something was off,” Close said. “The Swagways were better than walking, but we can’t settle for ‘better.’”

The athletes quickly ditched their Swagways in favor of wheelchairs. But the wheelchairs, too, ultimately required too much exertion.

“The wheelchairs were certainly an improvement,” sophomore forward Jesus Picasso Mancura said. “But I still had to, like, turn the wheels and stuff.”

After weeks of deliberation, the athletics department finally came up with a fix for this challenge the players are facing: recruitment of student volunteers to help the team get from one place to another. Interested students can sign up for five-hour shifts to transport the athletes on stretchers from class to class.

“It finally hit us that stretchers are the perfect solution,” Chris Gregory, head of athletics, said. “Minimal effort, maximum portability. This way, our boys are saving their energy for what actually matters: college sports.”

Gregory is confident that there will be plenty of student volunteers willing to lend a hand to the cause.

“Yes, these volunteers will have to make some sacrifices and miss out on certain academic opportunities, so it’s lucky that their lives aren’t as important,” Gregory said.

When asked if he is concerned about the consequences of his refusal to walk or the effect this may have on other students, Mancura replied, “No.”

“Walking is fine for those students who don’t carry the entire reputation and future of the university on their backs, but I don’t have that luxury,” Close added.

Gregory said it is unclear if the women’s basketball team will also cease walking.

“They haven’t really said anything about it,” Gregory said, “Which is good because we don’t have enough stretchers for them.”