An open letter to all open letters

By: Jessica Griggs

An open letter to you, person who had that impact on me at that one time in my life that was actually super important:

I could take the time out of my day to thank you in person, letting you know sincerely the tremendous influence that you had on the entire course of my life which I (God willing) haven’t even made it halfway through yet, but then no one would be able to read it. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have a link to share on Facebook so that my parents’ friends could like it and use its positivity to balance out the pictures I posted from spring break.

An open letter to the girl who picked up the pencil that the boy I liked dropped on the floor during that Stats exam:

Listen bitch. I know that you don’t know that I like that guy since I have never given any indication to anyone other than my cat that I think he’s hot, but you should definitely know that I’m into him anyway and you therefore have offended every ounce of my righteous being. I’m going to coat this letter in flowery and tragic language that makes me the victim of your seemingly innocent gesture because, make no mistake, I know your game, and I’m secretly hoping that he reads this open letter and falls in love with me after realizing how manipulative you clearly are.

An open letter to my mom whom I’m totally mad at right now:

Ugh Mom, you’re seriously the worst. Like, I can’t even explain to you how suffocating and obnoxious you are being. You might pay the lease payment on my car every month and send me care packages and do my laundry when I come home and buy me adulty clothes when I need them, but I’m 21 years old and therefore completely independent, so you can’t control my life anymore, OK? God! Just leave me alone and let me live my life and read this open letter on Facebook so that I don’t actually have to have an adult conversation.

Jessica Griggs spends most of her time worrying about her hair and scrolls through her own Twitter feed a least once a day.

An open letter to my mom now that I’ve had a snack and am not mad anymore:

*Insert super sappy post about how important moms are and how the bond between a mother and daughter can be broken by no distance and how even though I may think I’m all grown up I’ll always need my mom and basically don’t treat your parents like crap just because you feel like being a brat that day, like, seriously do you actually need to read an open letter to know that your parents are still important people in your life?*

An open letter to myself because open letters are the written version of liking the sound of your own voice:

Hi, I have nothing of actual value to say. I just like to write open letters in the hope that people will like them on social media, they’ll potentially go viral and my self esteem will magically skyrocket once I’ve received approval from all of society. I think maybe my self-esteem is secretly already high since I’ve read my own post probably more times than all of the other readers combined, but just for funsies I’ll write this open letter to myself so that in addition to people reading about what a great person I am (in a modest way of course), they’ll also surmise that I’m also a super talented writer/ blogger/person with all of her shit together.