Aries: Eat an orange peel for good luck on your lottery scratch-offs.
Taurus: Hot flirting tip: Ask for their email and strictly send them chain mail.
Gemini: Snow problem that another day off school couldn’t solve for you!
Cancer: A tragedy has occured! Your lips are chapped and bleeding, but your lip balm is missing.
Leo: For once, the imaginary situation you created in your head will happen this Friday afternoon.
Virgo: The stars are craving some pizza, so please send some to the Newswire room for good fortune.
Libra: You’ve had a good run, but it’s time to come clean about your chronic tardiness.
Scorpio: Nobody understands your frustration about the lack of club sandwiches at club day.
Sagittarius: Screw the North Star! Look toward GSC’s blue light to guide you home from Dana’s.
Capricorn: Today is a good day to not be productive in any way.
Aquarius: You will be blocked on Twitter by Mila Kunis for using the incorrect version of your/you’re.
Pisces: Go to the library and learn something that will leave you awestruck, like where the library is.
This post was assembled by Features Editor Monica Schweiger.