March 22, 1:33 a.m. — Xavier Police and Residence Life responded to reports of encouraging graffiti at Brockman Hall. The graffiti contained messages like “Believe in yourself,” “You can do it!” and a picture of a cat on a wire saying “Hang in there!”

March 24, 11:48 a.m. — Xavier Police responded to reports of an intoxicated student outside of Gallagher Student Center. An investigation revealed that the student was sober but extremely clumsy.

March 25, 2:30 p.m. — Xavier Police, Cincinnati Fire and Physical Plant responded to Brockman Hall for a fire alarm. An investigation revealed two students in the basement were attempting to start a campfire with two sticks in order to make s’mores. The alarm was reset, and Residence Life will follow up.

March 26 3:48 p.m. — A student reported the theft of their heart after being stood up for a date at Currito. An investigation is pending.

March 27, 9:00 p.m. — Xavier Police responded to mass student rioting, which came in response to former Xavier Basektball Coach Chris Mack’s defection to University of Louisville. Xavier Police eventually joined the rioting, and Cincinnati Police was forced to respond.

April 2, 1:46 a.m. — A Physical Plant employee reported damage to a vending machine on the second floor of Fenwick Place. Someone had placed two gallons of scrambled eggs from Hoff Dining Commons inside.

April 2, 1:49 a.m. — A Physical Plant employee reported a group of students throwing scrambled eggs at them while they were attempting to clean scrambled eggs out of the vending machine. An investigation is pending.

April 3, 2:30 p.m. — Xavier Police, Cincinnati Police, Norwood Police and Ohio State Troopers responded to a report of a car with a broken headlight. The car was boxed in, and the driver was ticketed.

Note of the Week

“April Fools?”

April 1, 9:39 a.m. — Xavier Police responded to reports of an empty tomb discovered underneath Bellarmine Chapel. Burial cloths were scattered around a slab. No known subjects. Grave robbing is feared. An investigation is pending.

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This post was assembled by Police Protestor Kevin Thomas.