XU unleashes the ‘Nuns with Guns’

Fr. Graham authorizes a new program utilizing ‘Sisters of Mass Destruction’


Photo courtesy of The Atomic Cheese Melt | Xavier University nuns will soon be armed to the teeth. They will soon be trained in the safe use and operation of various weapons, such as M1911 Colt pistols, M1 Garands, Tommy guns, M16s, Tech 9s, Gatling guns, cannons, sniper rifles, shotguns, flare guns, Lightsabers, blasters and whips.


Father Michael Graham, president, has announced the new program “Nuns with Guns,” hoping to address both school safety and dwindling numbers of professors who are in religious orders. The idea of the program is to bring back more professors of faith while also increasing safety for the students.

“I was just sitting in my office one day, thinking about how we have so few nuns at our school and so many concerns about safety from both sides of the gun control debate,” Graham said. “And then it hit me. Why not kill two problems with one gun by bringing back the good ol’ days when nuns taught everywhere?”

While nuns in the 1950s practiced corporal punishment for students, often hitting grade-schoolers with rulers and canes, this would be quite the opposite. Instead, any and all dangerous situations would be taken care of by these nuns.

“The idea is that you would have no idea what is underneath their habits (garments). They could just be wearing their normal clothes, OR they could be packing a M16 assault rifle and akimbo .50 cal. Desert Eagles,” Graham said.

The “Nuns with Guns” program is not to be confused with the similarly named 2017 movie about, “Three nuns who are about to give up on God are recruited by an agency within the church to masquerade as prostitutes in order to bring down a sex trafficking organization.” according to IMBD.

Self-labeled conservative student Tosh P. Oh said, “While that movie sounds amazing, this may be the greatest conservative thing ever. What could be more bad-ass than being taught theology when, all of a sudden, your teacher is taking down any and all threats? This is America at its finest.”

Self-described snowflake liberal Levy Tate isn’t as sure. “First off, that sounds like a terrible movie. Second, while I don’t think that arming teachers is a good idea, does arming nuns make it slightly better? That remains to be seen.”

How this new program will benefit the students of Xavier University is unknown. Similar programs are being introduced at Loyola Chicago and Marquette, with the Ramblers introducing the “Priests with Pistols” program and the Golden Eagles introducing the “Sisters with Shotguns” program.


By: Jack Dunn ~”Conservative” Activist~