Hinkle floods again, becomes ice rink

Photo courtesy of Bill Gray’s Regional Iceplex | After more infrastructure failure, Xavier has embraced its flooded halls to turn a profit once more.

When professors were forced to relocate their offices due to flooding from a faulty pipe in Hinkle Hall in February, the university took meticulous care to ensure it wouldn’t—couldn’t—happen again. This is a bold statement to make for one of the oldest buildings at Xavier university and, as staff and faculty discovered right after departing for Easter break, too bold.

Dr. Pinky recounted her experience after holding office hours an on Thursday. “I was just sitting in my office, going out of my way to help the students who needed me, you know? And all of a sudden, my socks feel wet and I look down, and my god,” she said on Saturday. Pinky confessed that she broke down into tears shortly after because she wasn’t supposed to be paid for working that day, and her salary wasn’t enough to replace her laptop, wedding ring or 30-year-old personal diary—all of which got lost or irreversibly damaged in the flooding.

Repairing the pipes the first time had already cost the university thousands of dollars, and the campus community quickly criticized the repair’s apparent ineffectiveness. Despite the quickly mounting frustration, Gallagher Student Center building manager Mris Carshall came up with an idea to capitalize on the situation: turn all of Hinkle into an ice rink.

“I just said ‘turn the thermostat down’,” Carshall said with a chuckle on Sunday, “and the janitor said ‘what?’ and I said turn it down. You know, the same thing Mr. Krabs did in that episode of Spongebob when Plankton flooded the Krusty Krab.” Soon enough, the floors and walls began to freeze over. “And it worked! Some of the floors and walls started cracking and stuff because of the ice, but the building doesn’t have much life in it left anyways, right?”

Pinky was crying throughout the interview as she packed her few office belongings that survived the flood and freeze. “Now they’re talking about adding a college ice hockey team to Xavier. They’d be practicing in Hinkle, and their locker rooms will be our offices. So, I’m pretty sure I’m never going to see my office again,” she said.

Grandpa Granola, president of Xavier, is very optimistic about the change. “I really feel like this ice rink was Hinkle Hall’s destiny. It was practically designed to be an ice rink. Besides, offering this recreational activity to students and visitors is a much better way to raise money for the university than actually educating students and expecting them to donate later. Plus, think of all the money ice hockey games will make! You think basketball is big—just wait till we start hosting professional ice hockey games. We’d be practically wasting money on professors when we could be investing more in merchandising,” he said as he slid around the ice in Hinkle’s lobby in slippers on Monday.

The ice rink is set to open this Friday. Children 12 and under will be charged $5, adults up to 60 will be charged $10, and elders 60 and older will be charged $8 for entry. Ice skates can be rented at Hinkle Hall’s welcome desk for $15. To build up the hype for future ice hockey matches, various sports-watching foods, merchandise and both alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks will be available for purchase in former professors’ offices.

By: Soondos Mulla-Ossman ~Olympic Skater~