Aprils Fools

Ryan Kambich, you are no match for my wrath

All right. Lemme preface all this by saying that I hate the Op-Ed page editor, Ryan Kambich. I hate him so much, I intentionally screwed him over by sending this piece in late. He is my sole and worst enemy in the Newswire workplace, and knowing he cannot deny me this platform to throw shade at him and everything he does, I am here to exact my wrath. 

First of all, the Opinions & Editorials section as a whole is completely stupid and pointless. No one cares about people’s opinions at Xavier. They’re really just a ranting ground, or a space for free advertising for your upcoming neat event if you frame it like you’re giving an opinion about the issue the event is addressing. Besides, if for whatever reason an opinion makes a statement on something regarding some university policy and someone from administration happens to look at it, nothing will come from it. At all.

You won’t start a revolution by writing an op-ed and getting the person you’re trying to call out to read it. At best, it’ll go unmentioned and ignored for the rest of your pitiful life. At worst, administrators will laugh at it and call you a dumb little kid. Who wants that? If you know what’s good for you, you’ll avoid this pain. 

So, let’s say you have no choice in this capitalist society and will starve without the $10 publishing an op-ed into the newspaper will get you. That sucks. It makes me glad I’m leaving this money-guzzling academic trap. It also makes me glad Ryan’s leaving, the guy who’s been coaxing you to write for his sadistic craft. 

Speaking of Ryan, I get that a lot of cool opinions can come out of political stuff and whatnot. That’s easy content for the guy, being a PPP whatever and all. But come on. Is that all you can do? Where my Liberal Arts folks at? STEM? Where are their opinions?

I have three whole-ass majors and thus an automatic three majors’ worth of reach across campus. This speaks nothing of my extracurriculars, too. Ryan’s got the stuffy philosophy and political science people. And all the Student Government Association friends he’s made during his time as a senator. Again, by themselves, they aren’t bad. The amount of them have simply just oversaturated the Op-Ed section. Clearly, it needs to have more of me in it, but I hate Ryan and won’t reward him with my presence for more than this edition and my upcoming senior farewell op-ed (you should read that by the way). 

Also, when page editors and copy editors actually convene to assemble the paper for the week, Ryan is a savage, uncultured inconsiderate beast. I have the misfortune of having a desk just two seats away from him. I feel bad for the Sports Editor wedged between us, Luke. Every week, I must endure a slew or shade lobbed at me. I know this hatred originates in Ryan’s raw jealousy of my many talents and the overall greatness of my Features page, which is unquestionably superior to his. The op-eds are only better this week because I’m in it. And my Feature’s page is worse because Ryan’s in it. 

Against Ryan, I’m able to hold my own. I won’t let him sabotage the work I must continue to carry for my page. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try to sabotage him. You suck, Ryan. I hope you wallow in your inferiority. 


Soondos Mulla-Ossman is a senior DIFT, English and computer science triple major with a peace studies minor. That’s right, Ryan. You think your mere double major makes you special? Think again.