Arts & Entertainment

Toilet paper enthusiast rates possible substitutes

Americans are buying toilet paper as if someone told them, “Hey, if you buy a twenty-four pack of toilet paper, then you don’t have to wash your hands for a day.” And if you haven’t heard of this hoarding obsession until now, you might as well quit school because there’s no hope left.

I’ve reviewed five different substitutes for toilet paper in the hopes you can stop your mom from becoming a toilet paper enthusiast. 

My reviews take into account price, design, accessibility, and functionality. Rest assured, they are reliable. 

The best alternatives save you money for buying actual toilet paper when we return to normalcy. Hopefully that’s 2021, if you catch my drift.

1. Paper Towels

When I first thought of an ideal alternative, I thought paper towels would be a clear winner. You can cut the roll in half to fit the holder in the bathroom. They’re flexible and already perforated, what more could you ask for? However, when I tried it out, the paper towel was just too rough on the hands and other applied surfaces. It was too big and frankly, a little white. I’m not trying to be discriminatory, but they just don’t work for our bathroom needs. It was disappointing to say the least.

2. Computer Paper

Naturally, my next option was computer paper. It’s white, flexible and durable. You can fold or crumple it, so it’s useful for toilet paper users across the board. Again, the texture was a little coarse. But I got over it when I saw how well it conformed to my hand. I definitely got the most bang for my wipe. Another plus is that paper is sold in reams, so there’s plenty of it. It’s super easy to store, too. No more feeling guilty that you threw away the toilet paper roll instead of recycling it because you couldn’t get the last bits of paper off. Nor do you have to argue with your brother that the roll goes over, not under.

3. Parchment Paper

My third alternative is parchment paper. It’s an at-home item, so it’s super convenient. The functionality is off the charts but the design could use an upgrade. All these things aside, parchment paper is the key to losing weight. If you use it instead of toilet paper, you can’t bake any more. Sure, you could buy desserts at the grocery store, but they’re probably all out. Besides, homemade is always better than store-bought. Always.

4. Tissue Paper

Tissue paper could be another solid option. It’s already above average because it’s essentially the one-ply toilet paper that hotels think so highly of. But what makes tissue paper better than toilet paper are the various colors and patterns! I mean, it’s basically like the Crayola 64-pack of crayons everyone wanted as kids. I never had so much fun going to the bathroom.

5. Old T-Shirts

I used old T-shirts as my last trial, and I have to say it exceeded my expectations. Definitely a 5/5. I recommend using tops you never wear but still keep in case you need it for that one event that will never happen. I’m not kidding, my free T-shirt from X-Day was more absorbent than Ultra ComfortCare. Say what you will about how inconvenient the coronavirus has been. Honestly, I’ve never seen a more cleared out wardrobe than mine.

Happy Wiping!

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