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How to Recreate your Favorite Summer Pastimes in Quarantine

While the world has started to open up after two months of quarantine, some of us remain rightfully agoraphobic. Even if these classic summer activities of suburbia weren’t already canceled, I would probably have stayed home to avoid a “second wave” of the virus — or just to avoid the people I went to high school with. Here are some ways to recreate your favorite summer pastimes in the hellscape that is 2020.

NOTE: Skin cancer is very real and exposure to the sun is the fastest way to start looking old, so all of these experiences will be amplified by spraying some sunscreen over your head and taking a nice deep breath.

Swimming pools – To be fair, many states are opening swimming pools and beaches. But you don’t have to be a former lifeguard to know that pools. are. disgusting. If you want to have your day ruined look up how that “chlorine” smell occurs.

But I digress. To cultivate those memories of lazing by the poolside, I recommend  sitting on a stove burner while it is on a low setting to replicate the sun beating down on your scantily clad body. Meanwhile, have a Top 40 radio station and “10 Hours of Whistle Sounds,” which can be found on YouTube, playing in the background.

County fair – This one will require the most props if you really want to get your head in county fair mode. Head to your closest manure pile or sewage drain with a handful of sweets and a frying pan of oil. Given that we’ll probably have yet another summer of breaking heat records thanks to climate change, it shouldn’t take much more than direct sunlight to get the oil boiling. While you’re waiting on that, turn slowly in circles or vigorously swing your head from side to side to replicate the formula of almost every fair ride.

Music festivals – Stand up and start walking, bring a pool towel or picnic blanket to sit on if you’re one of those ninnies, and get ready to stand for a few hours. Spend those few hundred dollars that you would have otherwise rationalized as a great way to see two bands you know and five that you don’t to hire a few folks to stand very close to you. I’m sure you could give them a tip to not wear deodorant and maybe you could find one with a Juul or dab pen to blow smoke straight into your face. Call up a few friends to bicker amongst themselves while you sit through ads on Spotify.

Summer Fictionary

Solstint (SOUL-stint): A job which one works exclusively during the summer months. 

Humild (hue-MY-old): Almost perfect weather, if not for the lingering of Satan’s moisture.

Branze (BRAN-zz): Particular color of skin tanned to the edge of second degree burns. 

Moscheeto (moh-s-CHEE-toe): A spicy, crunchy snack that feels faintly like your tongue is being repeatedly stung.

Summer Horoscopes

Aries: Summer has arrived, and just because we’re in a quarantine doesn’t mean there aren’t still plenty of fun places to go! Grocery stores are now allowing up to two members of the same family to shop together; make a day of it!

Taurus: Life is quite difficult for everyone at the moment, so please stop writing in your journal every day that your life is “literally ruined” because the Gathering of the Juggalos 2020 was canceled.

Gemini: Now that Xavier has announced that Labor Day break will be replaced by having a random Wednesday off, start preparing your liver for what will be the most rambunctious Tuesday in Xavier history. 

Cancer: Cut back on live TV. The stars predict you’ll go crazy if you see another quarantine-themed ad with a soft piano backing and the phrase, “In these uncertain times…”

Leo: The sun has answered your prayers: there will be a Gangnam Style 2!

Virgo: You may think your significant other is loyal, but you’re not the only one with the password to their personal meeting room on Zoom… 

Libra: On Saturday, American astronauts escaped Earth’s atmosphere for the first time in nearly a decade, yet on an average Saturday you can’t even manage to escape your bed before 11 a.m.! Reevaluate your priorities. 

Scorpio: You might not think you’re doing enough to help the current situation, but remember that there are people out there putting together comedic newspaper horoscopes at the moment. So you could be doing much, much worse. 

Sagittarius: Your spirit animal is the monkey who stole a COVID-19 sample from a lab: impish and mischievous at the worst possible times. 

Capricorn: You need to stop calling 2020 “the worst year ever.” You’re only allowed to call one year “the worst,” and you already wasted yours when Harambe died in 2016. 

Aquarius: The stars want to make sure you’re aware that when the new Netflix show Space Force is said to have a star-studded cast, that’s not referring to them. They actually thought it was pretty mediocre and don’t want to be associated with it.

Hot and Humid Summer Games to Try

Lemonade World – https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/494784

Nothing says summer more than a lemonade stand. Or if you’re me in 2009, nothing says summer more than sitting inside playing a lemonade themed browser game. This one’s an oldie but a goodie. It has that old-browser game style where you’re pretty much left to figure it out on your own, but once you do it’s super satisfying building a lemonade empire and seeing the… fruits of your labor. 

Raft Wars – https://www.addictinggames.com/shooting/raft-wars

This game is a bona fide classic. You play as Simon, a young lad who digs up diamonds at the beach and finds himself under siege by vikings, gangsters, annoying neighbors; you know, the usual. The game is cute and hilarious, as your enemies lob literal cannonballs at you while you and your family fight back by shooting… tennis balls. Don’t worry, they’re surprisingly effective and it is super satisfying knocking enemies off their boats. It’s not too long (or too difficult) so you’ll be able to finish it under an hour, but you’ll love every minute of it.