Features

8/13 Back Page

Dear Almanzo,

This will be my first semester at Xavier, and I’ve got to say, I’m really bummed out. Just like most teens, I’ve spent years looking forward to going to college.
And, also like most teens, my expectations of what college will be like are almost completely shaped by how Hollywood portrays the university party scene, specifically in the 2000 film, An Extremely Goofy Movie.

As I’m sure every- one can relate, I’ve long looked forward to the day I would be able to experience adult activities for the first time, like drinking cheddar whiz out of a can and competing with my pals in the X Games competition.

Now sharing canned cheese with my dudes is a safety concern and sporting events have been cancelled.

Now I find out my dad isn’t even going to be my roommate anymore because he fears his age puts him in the “at-risk” population. Next they’re going to tell us there won’t even be a disco dancing competition this year!

As Goofy would say, “Hyuck this!”

Sincerely,

An Extremely
Disappointed Muskie


Dear Muskie,


The pandemic has forced everyone to make a lot of compromises. As you get older, you’ll realize that’s just a part of life.

Humans like to make plans and goals for the future and unfortunately those plans don’t always work out. But sometimes your most memorable experiences are when unexpected events occur.

Goofy’s son, Max, was very upset when Goofy showed up on campus, but by the end
of the movie the two were closer than ever and had a great year.

I’m sorry this isn’t how you wanted your first year to go. But if you
keep your mind open then I guarantee that you’ll have a great time.

You’re going to make memories that wouldn’t be possible during any other year and you’ll be glad you started college in 2020. This year isn’t going to be perfect, but it’ll be
extremely goofy — and that might be better.

Sincerely,

Almanzo, M.D.


School Games to Play Instead of Doing Your School Work

The Classroom 2

newgrounds.com/portal/view/201306

Here at the Newswire we’re not allowed to encourage cheating, but encouraging you to play a game about cheating? Now that’s fair game. The Classroom 2 is a stealth game
where you join a group of ruffians as they try to cheat their way through school. It’s both surprisingly challeng- ing and surprisingly funny, though the dialogue can be a little cringy at times. But it’s a classic web game, not a Telltale game, so if you were
expecting award-winning dialogue I don’t know what to tell you.

World’s Hardest Game

coolmathgames.com/0-worlds-hardest-game

This game isn’t about school, but by god did I play it a lot in school, along with the whole Cool Math Game catalog. Do your good deed for the day and check in on ole’
CMG, it’s like our collective grandma whose nursing home we’ve neglected to visit in years (Don’t use COVID-19 as an excuse, it’s been longer then that). And trust me,
this game is as hard as you remember.


Firstionary

Your weekly well of wacky wordsTM

Written By: TESS BREWER

Adennoyed (AH-den-noid): An irritated feeling spurred by the inevitable
itchiness of one’s nose while wearing a mask.

Transplatlantic (trans-PLAHT-an-tick): A desire to be immediately transported overseas to some hidden European village and assume the identity of a blacksmith.

Chile con carnage: Graphic destruction of the type that results in a restraining order issued by your toilet.

Infiniyear (in-FIN-a-year): A year that feels much longer than the calendar indicates it is (e.g. 2020).


Horoscopes

Taurus: You’re an awful person, but this week you’ll almost do something good. It’ll be like how Trump almost banned TikTok.

Gemini: The most erotic tension you’ll get during this pandemic is that moment when you can’t find the switch for a lamp so you have to get all handsy with it under the
lampshade.

Cancer: Quit acting like you’re hot stuff because you were popular a semester ago. You had your fifteen minutes of fame, now crawl back into the irrelevancy cave with Tiger
King and The Last Dance.

Leo: It’s always good to be pre- pared! For example, don’t unpack when you arrive at school so you’re prepared for when we inevitably get sent back home in a month!

Virgo: There’s currently a coin shortage going on. You probably haven’t noticed because it isn’t the year 1952 and no one’s putting a dime in the jukebox at the local
diner to play WAP.

Aries: The stars are wishing everyone a safe recovery after Hurricane Isaias lol just kidding no one cares about New England lmao go order a breakfast sandwich or
something.

Libra: Stop trying to be special. You’re not a gryffindor, you’re not an airbender and you’re CERTAINLY not divergent.

Scorpio: Only you get to decide your own destiny. If you want to die by getting COVID-19 at a Smash Mouth concert, get your game on and go play.

Sagittarius: This one’s for all you DIFT majors out there: PLEASE make a movie that takes place in Cincinnati, we’re tired of only having Rain Man.

Capricorn: Try not to be a pessimist. All of the horrible events going on in the world right now barely hold a candle to the time they gave Annoying Orange a TV show.

Aquarius: Before the craziness of this school year starts, it’s nice to harken back to simpler times: like when all of our moms collectively forced us to watch Hamilton on the third of July.

Pisces: This semester might be difficult since you spent all your summer job money on Father Graham’s OnlyFans. But it was well worth every penny.

Categories: Features

Tagged as: ,