Features

8/20 Back Page

Get to know the Class of 2024

A new semester has arrived and so has the class of 2024. We at the Back Page decided we wanted to get to know these little rascals, so we rounded up as many as we could (six) to ask them the most revealing question we could come up with: Exactly how many beavers would it take to overthrow the United States government?

At least three because three is better than two. – Aaron Ripley, first-year computer science major

10,000 because beavers are pretty small, so it would require a lot. – Michael Sullivan, first-year accounting major

100,000 because many small enemies are bigger than one big one, and beavers are kinda cute so that’s their advantage. – Benjamin Seibert, first-year biology major

One beaver because everything’s kinda falling apart right now. – Hannah Parker, first-year biomedical sciences major

If they’re a close relative of Perry the Platypus, about five. – Caiden Young first-year sports management major

A couple thousand at least because we are one of the strongest governments in the world. – Kenzie Cester, first-year psychology major


Fictionary

Your Weekly Well of Wacky Words

written by: tess brewer

Maxperated (mask-per-ate-ed): Annoyance one feels when seeing another without their GOVERNMENT MANDATED FACE COVERING on in a public place.

Maskthmatic (mass-kith-mah-tick): The loss of breath one experiences while exerting themselves with a face covering. 

Formaskities (for-MASK-ih-tees): The basic politeness of mask wearing.

Ex: Formaskities maketh the man.


Horoscopes

Aries: You’ve got a worse case of two-facedness than Burger 513.

Taurus: You won’t be lucky in love this week — prepare to be studentzoned again! 

Alternate: You won’t be lucky in love this week. The object of your affection will studentzone you – just like they always do! 

Gemini: Your mask can say a lot about who you are as a person, so maybe don’t just wear the school-provided one. Ya cheapskate. 

Cancer: Try a fun new game this week: guess exactly how many guys in your Zoom class are ignoring the lecture and playing Fall Guys.

Leo: Soon all classes will be online, and the only purpose of coming to campus will have been to move to a quarantine where your mom doesn’t do your dishes.

Virgo: The reviews are in, and critics think the horoscopes were too PG last year. So from now on, Virgos will always receive a condom recommendation. This week, it’s Trojan Ultra-Thicks.

Libra: The stars have been sending Zoom bombs to Xavier classes to lighten up the mood. They haven’t sent any to your classes because they hate you. 

Scorpio: Getting written up during the first week back is a fantastic idea if you’re trying to set a new world record for the “Getting Expelled from Xavier” speedrun.

Sagittarius: Go to the caf this week and enter a bizarro world where the pizza line is longer than the pasta line.

Capricorn: Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself! The Newswire had three photo-ops this week, and we’re not ashamed of it! 

Aquarius: Carefully consider how you present yourself in Zoom classes. Are you wearing pajamas in bed, or are you boring?
Pisces: Don’t fall for Xavier’s “Test, Treat, Trace” scheme; it’s just a ploy so Father Graham can plant a microchip in your brain.

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