Fascist Food Reviews: Uncrustables

Photo courtesy of flickr.com

WRITTEN BY Sebastian Aguilar

Being a foodie is in right now and the State Propaganda Department has opened a new culinary division in order to promote national identity through culinary taste. By the power vested in us by the state, all our food opinions are the objective truth. Dissent will be met with a bullet to the back of the head and then ruled a suicide. 

Today we will be collaborating with the Youth Propaganda Division and reviewing every young fascist’s favorite lunch-time snack: Uncrustables. 

Strawberry/grape jelly and peanut butter

These are the bread and butter of Uncrustables, truly the status quo. This will be maintained by any means necessary. For ideological reasons, the strawberry flavor cannot be found in stores,* while the slightly inferior tasting but more ideologically pure grape can be found in stores across the empire. Overall 4/5

*It’s red.

BBQ Chicken Bites 

Inoffensive, but not worth eating. Those who enjoy this have been put on a list and will be re-educated in order to promote better tastes. 3/5

Taco Bites

The people that gave the OK to this product should be shot. 1/5


Nutella is pretty overrated but this is extremely good. It’s getting into the inner circle of snacks for sure. The makers of these have been promoted and given many state subsidies. 10/5 

Uncured ham roll ups 

The picture on the box looked like Cinnabons. The whole department was thoroughly disappointed when they weren’t cinnamon rolls. The producers of these have been declared enemies of the state. 2/5 

Peanut butter

Whoever eats these are so dull and bland we actually like them because they’re great tools to the state. They are only worth keeping around to know who we can easily manipulate.  2.5/5

Grilled Cheese 

Good in theory, bad in practice. Much like democracy. 0/5

Things the state would like to see Uncrusted:

  • Cinnabon 
  • Ravioli 
  • Oreos

By order of the culinary arm of the State Propaganda Administration, the J.M. Smucker Company have exactly three weeks to put our ideas into production. 

The state is also seeking information on the whereabouts of whoever gave the OK to Uncured Ham Roll Ups.

Reward: a lunch with us, the State Propaganda Department. We’re cool guys.