Aries: Be nicer this week. Actually say goodbye to the people in your Zoom breakout room — don’t be a goon and immediately leave when given the chance.
Taurus: Make sure to do your research before taking a vacation! I wanted to go to Barbados and accidentally visited a duke of Hell.
Gemini: This week you will receive divine wisdom from that guy you’ve never seen sober. Unless you are that guy who no one ever sees sober, in which case, go spout some nonsense to other geminis.
Cancer: There was a perfect half-moon Tuesday, meaning this will be a week of halves! You’ll have half the homework, half the quizzes and you’ll be half the man you used to be.
Leo: The sun isn’t happy with you, so this week every hand sanitizing station you pass will be the white ones with the slimy stuff that smells like tequila.
Virgo: Don’t let society lie to you: Burger 513 says it’s closed on the app, but if you go there you’ll see they are indeed still serving their 10 items to the masses.
Libra: Sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Like how you don’t notice the lack of napkins in the caf until you spill sour cream all over yourself.
Scorpio: No matter how “cute” you think your mask is, it still pales in comparison to the Chad N95. People who wear N95s f*ck.
Sagittarius: If you see a guy skateboarding through campus, do us all a favor and trip them. Make sure they’re not a longboarder though — those guys are cool.
Capricorn: Club day is in three parts this year. Now you have two extra chances not to go to it!
Aquarius: Watch out, you’re going to fall into a rabbit hole this week! And not some Alice in Wonderland situation. We’re talking a literal rabbit hole. You are going to crush a baby rabbit.
Pisces: Go back and fully read the rest of the Newswire. I know you skimmed it! You can skip the Op-Ed page though— that page blows.
Xavier: A Doordash Driver’s Hell
“Dashing” to XU students is always X-citing, but not everyone treats me like a saint like Father B does when I bring him his favorite McFlurry. Here are the top four worst dashes I’ve done on Xavier campus.
1. Order: Wendy’s vanilla Frosty
Turns out, this first-year didn’t change her location from her parents’ house in Covington. I didn’t figure that out until her parents informed me that I’d have to return to campus to give it to her. When I finally got to her room in Kuhlman, the Frosty was completely melted and running down my arms. She rolled her eyes, took the cup and closed the door. The Frosty stained my shoes and she gave me one star.
2. Order: Frisch’s Big Boy kids’ Mac & Cheese
As I entered the Xavier University President’s Office, I handed the meal to the anonymous priest. He looked in the bag and frowned. He asked me where the swirly straw was for his drink. I responded that he didn’t ask for a swirly straw and he pouted saying he thought it was implied. I left for my next dash, but the next morning I found out that I had somehow been removed from the Dean’s List.
3. Order: Outback Steakhouse ribeye (rare)
Special Request: Please squeeze all of the blood juice out of the steak into a cup. Bring me the cup.
Upon entering the Buenger suite, I asked the students on the couch if any of them ordered the Outback. They shook their heads and pointed to the left bedroom. The room was very dark and had all the blinds drawn. Instead of a mattress, there was a wooden box on the ground. I didn’t see anyone so I was about to leave, when suddenly a pale student rose from the coffin and the door behind me shut. ‘Oh, he’s a vampire’, I thought. He came at me, ready to suck my blood, but luckily, I was doing a double order. I pulled out the Domino’s garlic bread from my DoorDash bag and made my escape.
4. Order: 50 count of Hooters smoked wings
Special order: Leave it by the door to the Pit
I was skeptical about delivering a party-sized order in a pandemic. As I got to the door to Brockman’s pit, I overheard some commotion downstairs. My curiosity got the best of me, and I went to check it out. I found myself watching a COVID-19 regulation-following fight club. Two people battled it out while fewer than eight spectators watched. Everyone was wearing masks, and after each punch made contact, they would stop to sanitize before starting the fight again. “Hey, you were supposed to leave the wings at the door!” I heard one Brockman barbarian yell. “He’s gonna narc!” Although I promised I wouldn’t, the only way to prove I was chill was to participate in their brutal yet social-distanced sport. After two hours and tons of hand sanitizer, I won the fight and left with a couple bruises and a black eye. I know I’m breaking the first rule of Fight Club, but they broke the first rule of DoorDash: always give a damn tip.
Your weekly well of wacky words
Fancer (FAAN-ser): Sickness that a recipient gains through over-enthusiastic
supporters on Twitter. Ex: All these K-Pop fancams give me fancer.
Awkcent (awh-/K/-sehn-t): A particular feeling one gets upon meeting a person
with an unidentifiable way of speaking.
Pestimisstick (pest-A-miss-tick): Sorrow over the accidental murder of a bug.
Maskne (MASK-nee): Pimples caused by a face covering.
“On-white”: A color so blindingly bleached bright it fries the entirety of your